Family’s Horrific 45-Minute Screaming Match Ends In Consensus To Go To Macaroni Grill

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Family’s Horrific 45-Minute Screaming Match Ends In Consensus To Go To Macaroni Grill

Sources say at least two members were brought to tears, and the words “you can’t talk to me like that” were uttered on three separate occasions.
Sources say at least two members were brought to tears, and the words “you can’t talk to me like that” were uttered on three separate occasions.

WHEATON, IL—Following 45 minutes of intense arguing and bitter protests, a heated screaming match between members of the Carroll family came to an end Thursday evening with a consensus to eat dinner at Macaroni Grill, household sources reported.

The emotionally charged dispute among the family of four, in which parents and children alike alternately shouted insults across the kitchen and sharply criticized each other’s character and food preferences, reportedly concluded when all parties eventually agreed that Macaroni Grill, an Italian-inspired chain eatery, was an acceptable choice for their weekly family restaurant night.

“We always go where you want!” Kristin Carroll, 14, reportedly screamed at her father, John Carroll, touching off the intense, nearly hour-long clash over which mid-priced casual dining establishment the family should patronize. “Well, maybe I don’t want to go where you want to go. Did you ever think of that?”

“You’re not the center of the universe!” she added, reportedly standing up from her chair, leaving the room, and slamming her bedroom door behind her before continuing her impassioned argument through the closed doorway. “Other people have opinions too!”

The quarrel is said to have escalated within minutes, as family members could be heard yelling the phrases “I’m fucking sick of this,” “Cheesecake Factory is off the table,” “I hate pasta,” and “Don’t put words in my mouth” throughout the suburban residence. According to accounts, the protracted period of fierce squabbling included numerous threats to leave the house, repeated usages of the word “unfair,” several personal accusations entirely unrelated to the argument at hand, and suggestions for alternate dinner plans—including Chili’s and California Pizza Kitchen—that were swiftly and angrily rejected.

Approximately 20 minutes into the shouting match, sources reported that a visibly irritated John Carroll brought his 16-year-old son Aiden out of the kitchen and into the downstairs hallway in an effort to reason with him and request that he “act like an adult.”

“What’s the problem here? You like Macaroni Grill,” John Carroll reportedly said, attempting to suppress the anger in his voice and speak in a measured tone. “We’ve been there dozens of times and now you don’t want to go? Come on. It’s good food—everybody likes it there.”

“They have chicken parmesan,” he continued sternly. “You like chicken. Order that.”

Sources confirmed that the family argument intensified when the adolescent returned to the kitchen and asserted that his mother had chosen the restaurant the last three times they dined out, prompting his sister to issue the harsh reprimand “Shut up, you’re making things worse” under her breath.

When daughter Kristin Carroll reportedly complained several minutes later that “Mom can just make spaghetti at home” and that the family “should go to a good restaurant for a change,” her father is said to have cut short her outburst by warning her to “cool it with the attitude” and informing her that “[she] can pick Outback goddamn Steakhouse next time, all right?”

The tension is said to have reached a fever pitch shortly before 7:30 when each of the family members attempted to loudly speak over each other, shortly after which mother Cynthia Carroll reportedly began sobbing quietly on the living room couch. Sources reported that the room then fell silent for several moments, before John Carroll suggested heading out to the restaurant “if everyone can behave themselves,” a comment that is said to have elicited a dramatic, drawn-out sigh and angry glares from his children.

“This is how it’s going to be: In 15 minutes, we’re going to Macaroni Grill. We’re going to Macaroni Grill and we’re going to have a good time,” John Carroll reportedly said while jutting his right index finger into the tabletop. “All of us are going to get in the car. Then we’re going to buckle our seat belts. Then we’re going to sit quietly and shut our mouths while we drive to the restaurant. End of story.”

“When we get there we’re going to have fun,” Carroll added. “Any questions? Good.”

At press time, sources confirmed that after two minutes of complete silence in the car, Cynthia Carroll noted aloud that the restaurant should be relatively uncrowded at this time of night and that the family shouldn’t have trouble finding a table right away.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close