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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Fan At Indians Game Upset To Find Someone Else In His Section

CLEVELAND—Having made his way up the series of ramps to Progressive Field’s upper deck, 32-year-old Cleveland Indians fan Bradley Hunt’s excitement for the upcoming game against the Texas Rangers quickly shifted to frustration after finding another person sitting in his section, sources confirmed Friday. “Oh, come on, what is this guy doing here?” Hunt said in reference to the lone man in the sea of empty rows overlooking right field, noting that there were plenty of other unoccupied upper deck sections nearby where one could sit and watch the game alone from an equally good vantage point. “It’s so annoying to climb all the way up here expecting to grab my section, only to find some random guy took it. I mean, I paid $14 for this. It’s ridiculous.” At press time, having failed to sort the situation out diplomatically, an irate Hunt was searching for the stadium’s lone usher to escort the man out.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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