‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Fan Disappointed To Learn L. Ron Hubbard Scientologist

PROVO, UT—Saddened to discover his favorite science fiction writer adhered to the controversial belief system, local fan Blake McKenna was disappointed to learn Monday that L. Ron Hubbard was a Scientologist. “Man, it’s such a letdown to find out that someone whose work you really admire could be into Scientology,” said McKenna, adding that he was struggling to reconcile the fact that the author of Battlefield Earth and Typewriter in the Sky was not only a devout member of the cultish religion but was also some sort of priest. “I mean, he’s super into it like Tom Cruise—like, I can’t even believe it. I’ve read upwards of 350 of his 500 stories, but now I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to look at his work the same way.” At press time, McKenna was having trouble reading Dianetics now that he realized all the allusions Hubbard made to Scientology.

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