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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Fan Incredibly Disappointed To Learn Player's Favorite Book Is The Bible

OKLAHOMA CITY—Upon learning that Thunder star Kevin Durant's favorite book is the Bible, Dale Lowell, 36, told reporters Friday that he was "super disappointed" and said he would have to reassess his entire opinion of the Oklahoma City forward. "It would really suck if he was one of these really outspoken religious guys," a visibly deflated Lowell said after reading an ESPN The Magazine article in which Durant claimed he looked to the Bible before games for inspiration. "But either he really believes all that stuff, or he just thinks that having the Bible be his favorite book is a safe answer, which is almost as bad. You watch him play and you just assume he's so much cooler than that." Lowell added he was equally disappointed when he found out Thunder point guard Russell Westbrook's favorite book is To Kill A Mockingbird.

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