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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Fan Of Other Team Booed

CHICAGO—Thirty-two-year-old Sam Weber, who was wearing the color combination and various paraphernalia indicative of his fandom for a team other then the one hosting the sporting event he was attending, was booed by the other 75,000 fans present in the arena last Sunday when a projection of his face was shown on the facility's large television. "The fact that he had the gall to come into our building with every intention of showing his loyalty and devotion to the team playing our own was enough to warrant that type of hostile response," said Derek Glass, who, like the majority of fans present, was reportedly against the success of the other team and, by extension, any one individual who was for that success. "What a cocksucker." Glass added that when it was clear that Weber's team was going to lose the contest, his visibly depressed countenance was projected on the screen a second time, prompting a standing ovation.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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