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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Fan Pissed 15-Yard Penalty Called On Hit That Resulted In Player Being Carted Off Field On Stretcher

ROCHESTER, NY—Household sources confirmed that local football fan James Clemons became irate earlier this afternoon upon seeing a 15-yard penalty called on a hit that resulted in the ball carrier being carted off the field on a stretcher. “That’s such bullshit!” Clemons reportedly shouted at the television, as the huddled members of the training staff assessed the motionless and unresponsive player before immobilizing his neck and securing the rest of his body to the plank. “I’m fucking sick of these ticky-tack flags. Guy’s penalized for making a play. It’s ridiculous. It completely changes the momentum of the fucking game.” At press time, Clemons was reportedly screaming for the officials to throw a flag after a linebacker made light contact with the helmet of his quarterback.

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