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Fan Pissed 15-Yard Penalty Called On Hit That Resulted In Player Being Carted Off Field On Stretcher

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Fan Pissed 15-Yard Penalty Called On Hit That Resulted In Player Being Carted Off Field On Stretcher

ROCHESTER, NY—Household sources confirmed that local football fan James Clemons became irate earlier this afternoon upon seeing a 15-yard penalty called on a hit that resulted in the ball carrier being carted off the field on a stretcher. “That’s such bullshit!” Clemons reportedly shouted at the television, as the huddled members of the training staff assessed the motionless and unresponsive player before immobilizing his neck and securing the rest of his body to the plank. “I’m fucking sick of these ticky-tack flags. Guy’s penalized for making a play. It’s ridiculous. It completely changes the momentum of the fucking game.” At press time, Clemons was reportedly screaming for the officials to throw a flag after a linebacker made light contact with the helmet of his quarterback.

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