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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Fan Steals Derek Jeter From Yankee Stadium

NEW YORK—Lifelong Yankees fan Martin Stenowitz, 52, became one of many who took home a piece of Yankee Stadium property Sunday night when he stole All-Star shortstop Derek Jeter off the field after the game. "I wanted my own little piece of Yankee Stadium history, so when I saw Derek Jeter just standing there, I thought, what the heck," said Stenowitz, who carefully folded the game-used Yankee shortstop into his backpack and exited the stadium before security personnel or New York City police could apprehend him. Stenowitz now proudly displays Jeter on the mantel of his New Rochelle, NY home, next to the program from the final game and Bernie Williams' head. The Yankee organization is demanding that Derek Jeter be immediately returned to the team in his original condition, as the Yankees were planning to sell him for $400.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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