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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Fanatically Devoted Nerd Could Potentially Turn On Simon Pegg At Any Moment

DURHAM, NC—Despite being a long-avowed fan of the British comedian, actor, and director, local nerd Josh Russell is liable to turn against Simon Pegg without any warning whatsoever, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Right now he loves Pegg’s stuff, but knowing Josh, 45 seconds from now he could be talking about how, in hindsight, Shaun Of The Dead and Hot Fuzz weren’t all that great,” said Russell’s friend Chandra Hughes, noting how the 37-year-old is capable of sudden, unprompted reversals of opinion on nearly any topic. “In the blink of an eye he might very well start calling them ‘cheap, hack-job slapstick’ and asking if we’re ‘really still watching Simon Pegg in 2013.’ It will be like his Joss Whedon reversal all over again.” At press time, sources indicated that Russell had just finished watching The World’s End and was letting out an equivocal sigh, seemingly gathering his thoughts, and preparing to speak.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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