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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Fancy Man Enjoys Tea

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Jason Baumer, a fancy little gent who is apparently too good to enjoy a regular cup of coffee, drank a cup of tea Sunday.

The fancy man rests a placemat beneath the precious tea to protect his beautiful table from any errant drips.

The 29-year-old web designer prepared and consumed his precious tea, which is imported from some la-di-da foreign country, at about 10:30 a.m with the loving attention of a brittle, shawl-wearing spinster.

"I normally have some Earl Grey in the morning," said Baumer, referring to a kind of tea named after a guy who used to run around England in a powdered wig and fruity tights. "Sometimes I have toast [and jam] too. Or just a bowl of cereal when I'm in a rush."

Instead of simply heating a mug of water in the microwave, Baumer used a hoity-toity copper-bottomed tea kettle, which His Lordship reportedly purchased at Pier One Imports in 2003 for the express purpose of tea-making.

Baumer's beverage is made with the use of a tea bag, a prissy little package of delicately scented, finely shredded leaves wrapped in a thin gauze and festooned with a bright yellow label tied to a string so that the user need not scald her tender digits in the hot water. Baumer, like all the other hens and dandies known to enjoy tea, must "steep" the drink, which is a term for gently lowering the bag into a teacup holding the hot water.

On this occasion, Baumer removed the tea bag from the dainty brew and added one dollop of honey made by his friends the honeybees and a splash of milk straight from his mama's precious teat. But even with these additions, the tea was still too hot for Princess Jason's sensitive mouth, causing him to softly blow on the beverage with his lips pursed together like a little rosebud.

"I like to do the crossword puzzle while I have my tea," said Baumer, making it easy to imagine him wearing a bonnet and a frilly pink dress. "Or listen to the radio."

Our precious baby Baumer makes nearly daily use of his fragile porcelain teacup, which he balances between feeble thumb and forefinger to drink his beverage with prim sips. He often places the cup on a special little plate that goes with the cup.

Baumer reportedly loves his tea so much that he knows about all the different kinds. He admitted to drinking a special type of tea at night called "chamomile," which is made out of pretty flowers. According to Baumer, the caffeine in regular tea robs him of his treasured beauty sleep if he drinks it too late in the day.

Those close to the tea-sipper have known about Baumer's refined predilection for hot beverages for years, but shockingly have not ostracized him for it.

"We sometimes have tea when we read the Sunday paper in bed," said Baumer's girlfriend, Laurel Altman, who would not comment on whether Baumer also stages tea parties with an assortment of dolls and teddy bears.

Baumer, as wrapped up as he was in his special soothing drink for old maids, was nevertheless able to make it out to a local park later that morning in order to "enjoy the nice weather before it gets too cold."

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