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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Fans Best Fans Ever

MOST MAJOR AMERICAN CITIES—Coaches, managers, team owners, quarterbacks, pitchers, drivers, hockey and basketball centers, league MVPs, Chevy Trucks Players of the Game, and others took time over the last few days to inform sports fans that they were the greatest fans ever. "I'd like to take a moment and thank the fans for all their support," sports figures at every position except wide receiver and in every city except Chicago announced at some time between Saturday's post-game press conferences and Wednesday night interviews. "I [am employed in a sports-related capacity] for the greatest fans in the world." Barry Bonds, Brian Billick, and Phil Mickelson could not be reached for comment.

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