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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Fans Disappointed To Learn 'Fast Five' Contains No Car-Chase Scenes

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Devoted fans of the Fast And Furious movies expressed disappointment upon leaving theaters this weekend, reporting that Fast Five, the latest installment in the franchise, does not include a single car-chase scene. "You see a bunch of cool-looking cars revving their engines at red lights, but just before they hit the gas, the action cuts away to a coffee shop, where the main characters discuss what a great car chase they just had," said moviegoer Ben Liddell, explaining that while the film's plot remains tightly focused on street racing, all the driving takes place off camera. "The only time you even see a vehicle in motion is at the very end, when Vin Diesel and Paul Walker park their cars and go inside." Broadway director Julie Taymor is reportedly at work on a stage production of Fast Five that will contain more than a dozen extended and elaborately choreographed car-chase sequences.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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