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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Fans Gather At Airport To Greet Carry Crates Containing Puppy Bowl Winners

BALTIMORE—Crowding into the arrivals area sporting “2017 Champs!” T-shirts and waving handmade signs, thousands of fans reportedly gathered at Baltimore-Washington International Airport Monday to greet the plastic crates carrying Team Fluff after their Puppy Bowl XIII victory. “Oh my God, there they are!” screamed local 31-year-old Dawn Mills, rushing to the front of the crowd as security guards toting dog carriers emerged from the jet bridge and escorted the championship puppies past the flood of cheering fans. “Champions of the world! Yes you are! Oh yes you are! Aww, I love you, buddy!” Sources also confirmed that despite the team’s 93-38 loss to Team Fluff, huge crowds still showed up at Sacramento International Airport to welcome back members of Team Ruff, with several of the disappointed puppies stopping to lick the hands of a few lucky fans through the grates of their carriers.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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