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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Fans Gather At Airport To Greet Carry Crates Containing Puppy Bowl Winners

BALTIMORE—Crowding into the arrivals area sporting “2017 Champs!” T-shirts and waving handmade signs, thousands of fans reportedly gathered at Baltimore-Washington International Airport Monday to greet the plastic crates carrying Team Fluff after their Puppy Bowl XIII victory. “Oh my God, there they are!” screamed local 31-year-old Dawn Mills, rushing to the front of the crowd as security guards toting dog carriers emerged from the jet bridge and escorted the championship puppies past the flood of cheering fans. “Champions of the world! Yes you are! Oh yes you are! Aww, I love you, buddy!” Sources also confirmed that despite the team’s 93-38 loss to Team Fluff, huge crowds still showed up at Sacramento International Airport to welcome back members of Team Ruff, with several of the disappointed puppies stopping to lick the hands of a few lucky fans through the grates of their carriers.

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