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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Fans Gather At Airport To Greet Carry Crates Containing Puppy Bowl Winners

BALTIMORE—Crowding into the arrivals area sporting “2017 Champs!” T-shirts and waving handmade signs, thousands of fans reportedly gathered at Baltimore-Washington International Airport Monday to greet the plastic crates carrying Team Fluff after their Puppy Bowl XIII victory. “Oh my God, there they are!” screamed local 31-year-old Dawn Mills, rushing to the front of the crowd as security guards toting dog carriers emerged from the jet bridge and escorted the championship puppies past the flood of cheering fans. “Champions of the world! Yes you are! Oh yes you are! Aww, I love you, buddy!” Sources also confirmed that despite the team’s 93-38 loss to Team Fluff, huge crowds still showed up at Sacramento International Airport to welcome back members of Team Ruff, with several of the disappointed puppies stopping to lick the hands of a few lucky fans through the grates of their carriers.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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