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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Fans Of Green Screens, Incredibly Fake-Looking Things Express Love For Modern Cinema

NEW YORK—Self-proclaimed fans of artificially sleek movies that at no point appear as though they contain real human beings onscreen in real locations doing real things expressed their ongoing appreciation for modern filmmaking today, sources confirmed. “We live in a veritable golden age for films featuring performers hoisted up on wires in front of green screens and talking to inanimate objects that will later be replaced in post-production with oddly humanoid, cartoonish CGI characters,” film aficionado Kevin Wu told reporters, expressing his abiding passion for today’s movies that essentially look like above-average video games. “If you’re like me, and you like nothing more than chaotic, ugly-looking scenes of computerized carnage where you can practically see the mouse cursor hovering over the movie screen at all times, then this truly is the greatest time in history to be a moviegoer.” Wu added that he often shudders at the thought of how supremely awful cinema must have been before the advent of CGI.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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