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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Fans Of High-Pitched Pinging Sounds Tune In For College World Series

OMAHA, NE—With the NCAA baseball regionals underway, fans of high-pitched pinging tones are already anticipating an exciting and auditorially rich College World Series. "Lovers of baseball and of percussive metallic upper-treble sonic phenomena wait all year for this," longtime LSU fan Greg Nguyen told reporters Friday, adding that he will take time off from his job as a sonar technician on the submarine USS San Juan to go to Omaha later this month. "I'm rooting for the Tigers, I guess, but really I'm just hoping for a lot of loud, resonant aluminum to cork-encased-with-cowhide contact." If his team wins the College World Series, Nguyen plans to propose to his girlfriend, fellow baseball fan and professional glockenspiel player Noelle McAdams.

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