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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Fans Of Victorious Nobel Laureates Riot In Stockholm

STOCKHOLM—The annual announcement of Nobel Prize winners was once again marred by vandalism this year, with triumphant fans of the 2011 laureates mobbing Stockholm streets last week, breaking shop windows and setting bonfires as they celebrated remarkable achievements in economics, physics, medicine, and other disciplines. "Fuck yeah, rapidly solidified alloys shown by means of electron diffraction to possess icosahedral symmetry—a little phenomenon known as quasicrystallinity, bitches!" said one chemistry fan who helped overturn a parked car as a mob chanted the name of prizewinner Daniel Shechtman. "Number one, motherfuckers!" Nobel officials said this year's rioting is Stockholm's worst since 1971, when Chilean poet Pablo Neruda's prize for literature sparked three days of bloody unrest that left 19 dead.

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