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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Fans Of Watching Teenage Girls Cry Excited For Olympic Gymnastics Finals

WASHINGTON—Fans of watching disappointed teenage girls cry their eyes out in front of large, international audiences confirmed Monday that they "can't wait" for the women's Olympic gymnastics finals. "For someone like me, who is really into just getting the family together in the living room and seeing a 15-year-old girl have an emotional breakdown in front of the entire world, there’s nothing better than the women's team and individual all-around events," said 38-year-old Nashville, TN resident Andrew Tyson, adding that while he enjoyed watching American gymnast Jordyn Wieber’s dreams get crushed Sunday, he’s more excited at the prospect of seeing a weeping Alexandra Raisman collapse into her coach’s arms after realizing she didn’t medal. "There's just nothing I enjoy more than watching teenage girls cry after failing spectacularly on the international stage. The look of agonizing shock and defeat on their faces, the way their teammates feel too awkward to even talk to them, the rare chance to watch a bawling teenager yell at her mother to leave her alone—I just can't get enough of that stuff." According to a recent Gallup Poll, 87 percent of people who enjoy looking into the tear-streaked face of a tiny girl as her whole life is publicly torn to shreds in an instant said they are already looking forward to the 2014 women's figure-skating final.

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