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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Fans Of Watching Teenage Girls Cry Excited For Olympic Gymnastics Finals

WASHINGTON—Fans of watching disappointed teenage girls cry their eyes out in front of large, international audiences confirmed Monday that they "can't wait" for the women's Olympic gymnastics finals. "For someone like me, who is really into just getting the family together in the living room and seeing a 15-year-old girl have an emotional breakdown in front of the entire world, there’s nothing better than the women's team and individual all-around events," said 38-year-old Nashville, TN resident Andrew Tyson, adding that while he enjoyed watching American gymnast Jordyn Wieber’s dreams get crushed Sunday, he’s more excited at the prospect of seeing a weeping Alexandra Raisman collapse into her coach’s arms after realizing she didn’t medal. "There's just nothing I enjoy more than watching teenage girls cry after failing spectacularly on the international stage. The look of agonizing shock and defeat on their faces, the way their teammates feel too awkward to even talk to them, the rare chance to watch a bawling teenager yell at her mother to leave her alone—I just can't get enough of that stuff." According to a recent Gallup Poll, 87 percent of people who enjoy looking into the tear-streaked face of a tiny girl as her whole life is publicly torn to shreds in an instant said they are already looking forward to the 2014 women's figure-skating final.

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