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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Fans Of Watching Teenage Girls Cry Excited For Olympic Gymnastics Finals

WASHINGTON—Fans of watching disappointed teenage girls cry their eyes out in front of large, international audiences confirmed Monday that they "can't wait" for the women's Olympic gymnastics finals. "For someone like me, who is really into just getting the family together in the living room and seeing a 15-year-old girl have an emotional breakdown in front of the entire world, there’s nothing better than the women's team and individual all-around events," said 38-year-old Nashville, TN resident Andrew Tyson, adding that while he enjoyed watching American gymnast Jordyn Wieber’s dreams get crushed Sunday, he’s more excited at the prospect of seeing a weeping Alexandra Raisman collapse into her coach’s arms after realizing she didn’t medal. "There's just nothing I enjoy more than watching teenage girls cry after failing spectacularly on the international stage. The look of agonizing shock and defeat on their faces, the way their teammates feel too awkward to even talk to them, the rare chance to watch a bawling teenager yell at her mother to leave her alone—I just can't get enough of that stuff." According to a recent Gallup Poll, 87 percent of people who enjoy looking into the tear-streaked face of a tiny girl as her whole life is publicly torn to shreds in an instant said they are already looking forward to the 2014 women's figure-skating final.

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