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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Fans Of Watching Teenage Girls Cry Excited For Olympic Gymnastics Finals

WASHINGTON—Fans of watching disappointed teenage girls cry their eyes out in front of large, international audiences confirmed Monday that they "can't wait" for the women's Olympic gymnastics finals. "For someone like me, who is really into just getting the family together in the living room and seeing a 15-year-old girl have an emotional breakdown in front of the entire world, there’s nothing better than the women's team and individual all-around events," said 38-year-old Nashville, TN resident Andrew Tyson, adding that while he enjoyed watching American gymnast Jordyn Wieber’s dreams get crushed Sunday, he’s more excited at the prospect of seeing a weeping Alexandra Raisman collapse into her coach’s arms after realizing she didn’t medal. "There's just nothing I enjoy more than watching teenage girls cry after failing spectacularly on the international stage. The look of agonizing shock and defeat on their faces, the way their teammates feel too awkward to even talk to them, the rare chance to watch a bawling teenager yell at her mother to leave her alone—I just can't get enough of that stuff." According to a recent Gallup Poll, 87 percent of people who enjoy looking into the tear-streaked face of a tiny girl as her whole life is publicly torn to shreds in an instant said they are already looking forward to the 2014 women's figure-skating final.

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