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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Fantasized Argument Getting Pretty Intense

BELMONT, MA­­—Escalating over the course of 20 minutes from a restrained discussion with a coworker to a heated confrontation between multiple members of his management team, the fantasized argument currently taking place in the mind of Digital Ventures, Inc. employee Jesse Newman is getting pretty intense, sources confirmed today. “You’re talking to me about incompetence? Me?” Newman said in his mind while furrowing his brow and letting the entirely fictitious dispute go to an increasingly frank and emotionally charged place. “Mark, no one in this room agrees with you. Why? Because they don’t respect you. And they never have. And if you honestly believe that what you do around here is in any way vital, or important, or irreplaceable, then you are out of your mind. Absolutely out of your mind. No…you made it personal by insinuating that I wasn’t up to the task.” At press time, a blood vessel was just becoming visible on Newman’s temple.

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