Fanzine Marred By Grammatical Error

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Vol 33 Issue 05

Nation’s Teen Drug Problem Ended By Rapping Cartoon Spokesbeast

WASHINGTON, DC—Anti-drug crusaders and concerned parents nationwide are expressing deep gratitude to Rico The Rad Rhino, a rapping cartoon spokesbeast who ended the nation's teen drug problem with a televised PSA Saturday. "When somebody passes some drugs my way, I'm playin' it cool and sayin', 'No way, José!'" Rico told America's youth in a 30-second spot that aired at 10 a.m. EST during NBC's Saved By The Bell. By that afternoon, the percentage of U.S. teenagers who described themselves as "periodic to regular" drug users fell from 47 to 0. "This whimsical costumed spokesbeast, with his backwards baseball cap and firm grasp of teen slang, has singlehandedly convinced America's youth that drugs are for major turkeys, or, in the case of dope, dopes," said Beth Healy, director of Project Say No, the nonprofit organization that produced the spot. "He has succeeded in sending the message that abstinence from illegal drugs is way awesome." Rico next plans to tour America's prisons on an anti-homicide campaign.

WKZN-TV Concludes Broadcast Day

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Amidst a pre-recorded "Star-Spangled Banner" and stock footage of wheat fields and soaring Blue Angels jets, Charlottesville CBS affiliate WKZN-TV concluded its broadcast day at 3:30 a.m EST Tuesday. WKZN, owned by Jefferson Broadcasting Corporation, is a subsidiary of Mediatronic Broadcasting Corporation. WKZN's transmitting facility is located at the station's studio at 3371 Blue Ridge Way. WKZN's transmitter has an output power of 200,000 watts. WKZN is an Equal Opportunity Employer and supports local charities. "Good night," wished everyone at WKZN.

Stupid Thing Won’t Work

RENO, NV—Despite the repeated efforts of Reno resident Ken Hartley, a stupid thing that cost $185 will not work as of press time Tuesday. "The stupid thing won't work," a visibly angered Hartley told reporters. "You're supposed to hit both buttons at once, and then a number lights up, and you turn the switch to the 'on' position," he said, "but all I keep getting is these two dashes instead of numbers." Hartley went on to state what a royal pain in the ass it was just to get the stupid thing out of the box; how mad he is that the thing doesn't even come with a warranty; and how annoying it was to call the 1-800 tech-support number included in the stupid thing's stupid booklet, only to get a useless pre-recorded message.

Begone, Hateful Puppetry!

Not long ago I described to you how I was forced by one of my loath-some descendants to "baby-sit" her rotten little off-spring. As you may recall, the miserable brats showed me something I had never before witnessed: They pushed a small black box into a large, metal box with a glass front, and, shortly thereafter, an image appeared upon the glass of a hideous yellow ostrich-monster. I was apoplectic with fright, terrified that the feathered leviathan would spring out at me and devour my aged bones!

New Ted Nugent Cologne Tested On ‘Every Goddamn Animal We Could Find’

ALPENA, MI—Ted Nugent held a press conference Monday to unveil his new signature fragrance "Heartland," which the veteran rocker touted as the most extensively tested cologne in history. "We tested that sumbitch on ferrets, weasels, deer, elk, squirrels, bison, trout, crickets, gibbons, iguanas, donkeys, capybaras, koalas, hyenas, penguins, woodpeckers—every goddamn animal we could find," Nugent said. "And, just to be extra-certain it was safe for consumer use, we injected it into a kitten's bloodstream, sprayed it on otters with open wounds that we inflicted, and forced cows to drink it through their nose. We also squirted it in a duck's eyes. Then we ran out of cologne and just started punching the duck." The cologne, now available in stores, features an ivory bottle stopper and comes in a genuine tiger-skin pouch.

The Winter Olympics

The 18th Olympic Winter Games began this week, turning the world's attention to Nagano, Japan. What do you think about the arrival of this quadrennial athletic event?

Ghost Of Anne Frank: 'Quit Reading My Diary'

Shocked to learn that the diary containing her most intimate thoughts and feelings has been read by millions of people worldwide, the ghost of Anne Frank held a press conference Monday to tell the world to "stop reading my diary, and put it back where you found it right this second."

I Like All Types Of Music

When I go to the mall for music, you won't catch me stuck in just one section of Record Town. That's because I like all kinds of music!
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Race Relations

Fanzine Marred By Grammatical Error

BERKELEY, CA—A rare grammatical error was discovered Monday in the latest issue of MangaMash, a fanzine devoted to hardcore Japanese speed-metal bands and Sanrio/Hello Kitty novelty kitsch products.

<I>MangaMash</I> stunned its readers with a rare grammatical error in its latest issue, accidentally using "your" instead of "you're" (below-left).

The error, which involved the incorrect usage of "your" instead of "you're," shocked and disappointed MangaMash's estimated dozen readers, who for over 11 months and three issues have come to admire the fanzine's commitment to journalistic excellence.

"I guess I just missed that one," said editor/publisher Dave Pelks, 20, who said he usually tries to read the fanzine once before taking it to the copy shop. "It's 'you're' and not 'your'? Shit, I always mess that up."

The error marks the first for MangaMash since last year's April/November issue, in which "New York" was spelled "New Yrrok."

Pelks defended his previous error. "That wasn't like a real mistake," he said. "That time I just totally typed it wrong by accident. I know how to spell New York." Pelks stressed that it was late at the time, and that he was "really tired."

The latest error has prompted Pelks to make a significant overhaul of the fanzine's editorial process.

"I think from now on, I'm gonna have my sister Anne look it over before I make any copies," he said. "She's only 15, but she's really good at spelling and writing. She's, like, the brain of the family."

As an added safety check, Pelks said that if Anne is unavailable for editing, he will ask his mother for help.

Because of the typo, future expansion plans have been put on hold. "I was hoping do a color cover for the next issue," Pelks said. "Actually, not in color, but on color paper. It was going to be a big picture of Hello Kitty fighting Gamera on green paper. That would've been so cool."

According to industry insiders, the mistake puts the fanzine's rock-solid editorial reputation in jeopardy.

"This is a serious error," Random House vice-president Margaret Ferber said. "It's MangaMash's most significant mistake since two issues ago, when Pelks stapled all the cover pages on upside-down."

"I totally wasn't paying attention," Pelks said of that incident. Collectors estimate the value of the rare upside-down-cover issue at zero dollars.

Despite the most recent slip-up, MangaMash's two distributors have vowed to stand behind the embattled fanzine.

error

"MangaMash provides the best coverage around of Japancore bands like HappyGinzaPoo and Shoko Ono," said Pat Kwiatkowski, owner of Crush Records, a Berkeley-area record store specializing in used LPs and hard-to-find imports. "Their recent feature on KyotoFunFun's tour of New Zealand was outstanding."

Paul Scobee, manager of a downtown Berkeley Stop-N-Pop convenience store, also stood by the fanzine. "A few months ago, [Pelks] asked me if he could leave a few copies of his magazine by the door," Scobee said. "So I told him yeah, as long as they don't block the entrance. So far, it's been okay."

The fanzine's most recent mistake does not surprise linguists, who say that it ranks among the most commonly made grammatical errors.

"A lot of people confuse 'your' and 'you're,'" New York Times columnist William Safire said. "If you are unsure about which to use, I recommend that you actually spell out 'you are,' and then see if it makes sense in context."

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