adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Farmer Chases Fifth Wedding Party Out Of Barn This Month

BEREA, KY—Calling the problem “damn near out of control,” local farmer Cliff Contreau confirmed that the 125-person wedding reception he chased out of his barn Saturday evening was the fifth such wedding party he’s had to scare off his property this month. “They come in here almost every weekend stringing up incandescent light bulbs and taking photos next to my hay bales. This is private property, for Pete’s sake!” said Contreau, 63, who added that he now instinctively reaches for his rifle any time he hears a string quartet launch into the opening notes of Pachelbel’s Canon. “At first, all I had to do was bang on the walls with my shovel and a whole mess of them in identical blue gowns and tuxedos would come running out, but I tried that last week and they just kept on chattering like I wasn’t even there. I’m almost all out of ideas at this point.” Contreau later said that he plans to try ringing the barn with barbed wire, which he hoped would snag and slow the movement of anyone in billowy chiffon.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close