Farmer Who Cleared Out Crops To Build Baseball Field Goes Bankrupt, Loses Family, Arrested For Tax Evasion

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Vol 49 Issue 27

Belichick To Tebow: ‘I’m Your Lord And Savior Now’

BOSTON—Warning that he was a dark and vengeful God, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly pulled aside Tim Tebow at the team’s facilities Thursday and informed the backup quarterback that he was his only Lord and savior now...

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Sibling Bullying Just As Bad As Peer Bullying

A recent study found that kids who were physically or psychologically bullied by siblings suffered comparable or even worse mental health outcomes than if they were bullied by neighbors or classmates.

U.S. Celebrates Independence Day

Americans are enjoying the day off with friends and family in celebration of the 237th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

BREAKING: Lovers Lost In Fog

SEDGECREST GRANGE—According to reports currently emanating from the sullen gloom of Sedgecrest Grange, two young lovers, mere moments after their impetuous peregrination into the dusky marshlands, have become hopelessly lost and separated, their eve...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Farmer Who Cleared Out Crops To Build Baseball Field Goes Bankrupt, Loses Family, Arrested For Tax Evasion

DYERSVILLE, IA—After allegedly listening to voices in his head instructing him to clear out a significant portion of his crops to construct a baseball diamond, sources close to local man Tom Petrillo, 36, confirmed Friday that the deluded heartland farmer has since gone bankrupt, become estranged from his family, and been arrested for tax evasion. “It’s horrible; this was a guy struggling to keep his farm afloat in an extremely challenging economic climate, and the next thing you know he’s razing his one source of livelihood because the hallucinations told him to,” said neighbor Mark Drysdale, who recounted how Petrillo spent weeks tearing up his cornfield and spent thousands of dollars erecting a makeshift baseball stadium against the pleas of his friends, family, and creditors. “Now he’s locked up in jail for failing to pay his taxes, the bank’s foreclosing on his property, and his wife and daughter don’t want anything to do with him. All because of that fucking baseball field.” When reached for comment, authorities at the Dyersville Police Department said that Petrillo had recently been moved to a nearby psychiatric ward after being discovered naked and unresponsive in his holding cell repeating the nonsensical phrase, “If you build it, he will come.”

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