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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Farmer Who Cleared Out Crops To Build Baseball Field Goes Bankrupt, Loses Family, Arrested For Tax Evasion

DYERSVILLE, IA—After allegedly listening to voices in his head instructing him to clear out a significant portion of his crops to construct a baseball diamond, sources close to local man Tom Petrillo, 36, confirmed Friday that the deluded heartland farmer has since gone bankrupt, become estranged from his family, and been arrested for tax evasion. “It’s horrible; this was a guy struggling to keep his farm afloat in an extremely challenging economic climate, and the next thing you know he’s razing his one source of livelihood because the hallucinations told him to,” said neighbor Mark Drysdale, who recounted how Petrillo spent weeks tearing up his cornfield and spent thousands of dollars erecting a makeshift baseball stadium against the pleas of his friends, family, and creditors. “Now he’s locked up in jail for failing to pay his taxes, the bank’s foreclosing on his property, and his wife and daughter don’t want anything to do with him. All because of that fucking baseball field.” When reached for comment, authorities at the Dyersville Police Department said that Petrillo had recently been moved to a nearby psychiatric ward after being discovered naked and unresponsive in his holding cell repeating the nonsensical phrase, “If you build it, he will come.”

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