Fashion Dos & Don'ts

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Vol 31 Issue 16

DEA Accepts Record $280 Million Drug Bribe

WASHINGTON, DC—Drug Enforcement Administration officials announced Monday the largest-ever drug bribe received by the agency. The $280 million bribe, which was airdropped over DEA headquarters by an unmarked twin-engine plane from South America, exceeds the previous record bribe by almost $50 million. Said Drug Czar Barry McCaffrey: "This enormous bribe will ensure the smooth transport of Colombian drugs across our borders and into our nation's public schools for years to come." Added McCaffrey, "Winners don't use drugs."

A&E Biography Host Peter Graves Comes Out In Ellen-Inspired Ratings Grab

LOS ANGELES—In an Ellen-like ploy for higher ratings, the producers of A&E's Biography have chosen to reveal the homosexuality of host Peter Graves. "I am a gay man," Graves announced Monday on the season-ending episode of Biography, which chronicled the life of silent film legend Buster Keaton. As clips from Keaton's film career were shown, Graves spoke of the joy he has long derived from the committed, loving relationship he enjoys with his longtime partner, Stan. "I love my boyfriend Stan more than anything in the whole world," Graves said. No sponsors pulled out of the show.

McDonald's Fights World Hunger With New Triple-Decker Burger

OAK PARK, IL—The McDonald's Corporation took a giant step toward conquering the problem of world hunger Monday, unveiling its new McTriple Decker Cheeseburger. "Boasting more than a half pound of grade-A meat, this big, beefy burger is guaranteed to cure any hunger," McDonald's director of public relations Gregory Meacham said. "Believe me, no child, no matter how hungry, will still be starving after eating the new McTriple Decker." McDonald's will focus its marketing efforts on hunger-wracked nations such as Rwanda, India and Cambodia, promoting the new burger through billboards, television ads and flyers dropped from airplanes. Said Duk Soo Park, a North Korean peasant dying of malnutrition, "Please, help."

Wanted: Food Chewer

That's it. I'm through with that ox of a nurse. I despise the way her buttocks ripple shamelessly back and forth under the thin fabric of her white uniform as she walks. She gives me sponge baths with ice-water, changes my colostomy bag only when it's so full of urine that it has grown to the size of the Graf zeppelin, and feeds me my castor-oil with an old spoon with an icky metal taste. She also greases the rectal thermometer with limburger cheese.

Dude, I Almost Got Drafted

Hola amigos. Workin' hard or hardly workin'? If you know me, you know my answer to that question. And if you don't know me, then hang on, 'cause you're in for a wild ride. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but my time has been occupied with the usual: fast cars, fast women and fine whiskey.

Premarital Counseling

In response to escalating divorce rates, some federal legislators are pushing for a law that would require all engaged couples to meet with a counselor before getting married. What do you think?
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Fashion Dos & Don'ts

These days, looking good is a must. Here are a few tips from the experts to help keep you in style:

  • Remember: Distressed and/or acid-washed denim never goes out of style
  • Pants should be "cuffed," or rolled, at least six inches above the ankle
  • Wear extremely expensive clothes only; they are made from finer materials and look better
  • Eat bath salts to make your innards smell pretty
  • If your T-shirts have yellow stains under the arms, cut the underarms out before wearing
  • Never wear glasses on a date; your potential mate will think you are undesirably smart
  • There are many excellent "big and tall" shops that cater to fat hogs like yourself
  • Keep collars turned up at all times
  • With scissors, cut the hems of other women's skirts so their length matches your own
  • Wearing green shirts on Thursdays lets all your classmates know that you are a homosexual
  • If you have wide hips, cover your imperfections with a gigantic tarp
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