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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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Fashion Dos & Don'ts

These days, looking good is a must. Here are a few tips from the experts to help keep you in style:

  • Remember: Distressed and/or acid-washed denim never goes out of style
  • Pants should be "cuffed," or rolled, at least six inches above the ankle
  • Wear extremely expensive clothes only; they are made from finer materials and look better
  • Eat bath salts to make your innards smell pretty
  • If your T-shirts have yellow stains under the arms, cut the underarms out before wearing
  • Never wear glasses on a date; your potential mate will think you are undesirably smart
  • There are many excellent "big and tall" shops that cater to fat hogs like yourself
  • Keep collars turned up at all times
  • With scissors, cut the hems of other women's skirts so their length matches your own
  • Wearing green shirts on Thursdays lets all your classmates know that you are a homosexual
  • If you have wide hips, cover your imperfections with a gigantic tarp

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