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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Fashion Industry Declares Hottest Spring Look Is Upbeat Attitude

NEW YORK—Calling the cheery new mindset the must-have accessory of the season, top designers from Dior, Versace, Chanel, and dozens of other premier fashion houses agreed this week that this spring’s hottest style trend is an upbeat attitude matched with effortless enthusiasm and a positive inner glow that radiates from within. “Right now, the fashion world’s most influential trendsetters are all sporting a bubbly demeanor that’s equal parts chirpy optimism and buoyant confidence—it’s a vivacious and good-natured temperament that can be seen on every runway from London to Paris to Milan,” said Vogue editor Anna Wintour, noting that the spunky, can-do positivity was already beginning to dominate billboards and magazine spreads, and that pleasant, worry-free countenances and beaming, self-assured smiles could be seen in every haute couture atelier, boutique fashion shop, and high-end designer store along Seventh Avenue. “Forget about shoes, forget about clothes, forget about makeup; the only thing you want to be seen with this season is a joyful, outgoing posture and a big toothy grin that says, ‘I’m fully content with who I am and I want to bring heartfelt warmth and joy to other people.’ I for one won’t go anywhere right now without a cheerful twinkle in my eye and a skip in my step. Nothing could be more ‘in.’” Though Wintour predicted that a sunny attitude would remain in style through the end of the spring season, she noted that she was already predicting a return to traditional masked insecurity and self-destructive narcissism for fall.

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