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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Fashion Industry Declares Hottest Spring Look Is Upbeat Attitude

NEW YORK—Calling the cheery new mindset the must-have accessory of the season, top designers from Dior, Versace, Chanel, and dozens of other premier fashion houses agreed this week that this spring’s hottest style trend is an upbeat attitude matched with effortless enthusiasm and a positive inner glow that radiates from within. “Right now, the fashion world’s most influential trendsetters are all sporting a bubbly demeanor that’s equal parts chirpy optimism and buoyant confidence—it’s a vivacious and good-natured temperament that can be seen on every runway from London to Paris to Milan,” said Vogue editor Anna Wintour, noting that the spunky, can-do positivity was already beginning to dominate billboards and magazine spreads, and that pleasant, worry-free countenances and beaming, self-assured smiles could be seen in every haute couture atelier, boutique fashion shop, and high-end designer store along Seventh Avenue. “Forget about shoes, forget about clothes, forget about makeup; the only thing you want to be seen with this season is a joyful, outgoing posture and a big toothy grin that says, ‘I’m fully content with who I am and I want to bring heartfelt warmth and joy to other people.’ I for one won’t go anywhere right now without a cheerful twinkle in my eye and a skip in my step. Nothing could be more ‘in.’” Though Wintour predicted that a sunny attitude would remain in style through the end of the spring season, she noted that she was already predicting a return to traditional masked insecurity and self-destructive narcissism for fall.

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