Fast-Talking Computer Hacker Just Has To Break Through Encryption Shield Before Uploading Nano-Virus

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Fast-Talking Computer Hacker Just Has To Break Through Encryption Shield Before Uploading Nano-Virus

Cipher, moments before cracking into the mainframe and declaring, “I’m in.”
Cipher, moments before cracking into the mainframe and declaring, “I’m in.”

LOS ANGELES—After dashing off an indiscernible code on his laptop keyboard and sharply striking the enter key multiple times with his forefinger, a fast-talking, visibly tense computer hacker said that he just has to break through the encryption shield before he could upload the nano-virus, sources confirmed Tuesday.

The arrogant if socially awkward hacker, a 30-year-old software-programmer-turned-cyberpunk known only as “Cipher,” reportedly told his buttoned-up yet eager employers who were hovering over him and watching his every move that breaking into the supercomputer’s mainframe would be “child’s play.”

“The firewall’s a bitch, but I should be able to get around it,” Cipher said before swiftly wheeling his computer chair to an adjacent desk, clearing away the pile of empty pizza boxes and Maxim magazines and scanning the numbers and figures scrolling across two mounted flat-screen monitors. “Oh, what have we here? Looks like they updated their security system. Impressive. But not impressive enough.”

“And...I’m in,” he added as the words “ACCESS GRANTED” appeared on his laptop screen. “School’s in session, bitches.”

The efficiently executed hacking reportedly began at approximately 6:45 p.m. when Cipher, wearing a tight-fitting black hooded sweatshirt, skintight jeans, and black Converse with no laces, inserted a flash drive into his laptop’s USB port and said “Let the games begin” as an upload bar materialized on the screen.

Sources confirmed that over the next few minutes, Cipher industriously navigated between multiple computer monitors displaying 3D-rendered images, criminal profiles, warehouse floor plans, and HTML code before brusquely swinging his chair around.

“Don’t touch that!” he reportedly snapped at a client walking past a cluttered table of disassembled technological equipment, which he quickly scooped up in his arms and moved across the room. “This is expensive stuff, okay? Try to do me a favor and not break anything.”

“Amateurs,” he added under his breath.

When the upload bar reached a completion level of 68 percent, sources confirmed the screen froze and flashed a red message reading “TRANSMISSION ERROR,” causing a female client to ask a slyly grinning Cipher, “Is something wrong?”

“They’re smarter than I thought,” Cipher reportedly said while sliding a ballpoint pen between his teeth, brushing aside a wisp of hair from his face, and muttering, “I wonder if I can just bypass the SRM altogether.” “You think you’re a clever boy, don’t you? Well, let’s see how clever you really are.”

Reports indicate that after taking a swig from one of the six already opened Red Bulls on his desk, the visibly invigorated hacker quickly entered a series of memorized commands into the computer.

Following a tense moment in which the screen appeared to be frozen and Cipher’s clients nervously glanced at each other, the error message disappeared from the screen and the bar resumed uploading, prompting a triumphant and relieved Cipher to bang his desk, slide back from his table on his four-wheeled desk chair, and yell, “Boom.”

“Looks like someone forgot to input a certain attack signature file into a certain dynamic-link library. Such a pity,” Cipher said before explaining how he managed to determine the source of the error and improvise a solution, provoking his employers to respond, “In English, please.” “Am I moving too fast for you? You moneymen are all the same.”

After deactivating the encryption shield and gaining access to the remote server, sources confirmed that Cipher declared, “Now for the fun part,” and turned up the volume on a nearby stereo. As a heavy metal song blared from the speakers, the hacker reportedly leaned back in his seat, placed his hands behind his head, and waited for the nano-virus to transfer to the computer.

“Come on, come to Papa,” said a visibly pleased Cipher as the “Percentage of Virus Uploaded” bar went from 90 to 95, hovered at 99 percent for an uncomfortably long second, and then flipped to 100. “It’s a thing of beauty, my friends. Now, where’s my fucking money?”

At press time, sources confirmed this is why Cipher is the best in the business.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close