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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Fat Guy Mistakenly Thought Of As Strong

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Due to his sheer mass, Derek "Moose" Glass, 26, is considered by his friends and relatives to be "stronger than an ox," when in actuality the 5-foot-7, 275-pound bartender is just fat. "I bet that guy can lift that desk over his head," friend Hank Ebbert, 27, said of Glass, who at that moment was lying on his couch finishing his fifth bag of Combos while watching Spike TV's Pros Vs. Joes. "Man, I bounced right off of Moose during a collision at home plate last summer. That guy is solid muscle after you get past all that [fat]." Ebbert went on to say that Glass was deceptively intelligent, though, in fact, the morbidly obese Glass has a below-average IQ, and is just quiet.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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