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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Fat Guy Mistakenly Thought Of As Strong

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Due to his sheer mass, Derek "Moose" Glass, 26, is considered by his friends and relatives to be "stronger than an ox," when in actuality the 5-foot-7, 275-pound bartender is just fat. "I bet that guy can lift that desk over his head," friend Hank Ebbert, 27, said of Glass, who at that moment was lying on his couch finishing his fifth bag of Combos while watching Spike TV's Pros Vs. Joes. "Man, I bounced right off of Moose during a collision at home plate last summer. That guy is solid muscle after you get past all that [fat]." Ebbert went on to say that Glass was deceptively intelligent, though, in fact, the morbidly obese Glass has a below-average IQ, and is just quiet.

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