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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Fat Guy Mistakenly Thought Of As Strong

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Due to his sheer mass, Derek "Moose" Glass, 26, is considered by his friends and relatives to be "stronger than an ox," when in actuality the 5-foot-7, 275-pound bartender is just fat. "I bet that guy can lift that desk over his head," friend Hank Ebbert, 27, said of Glass, who at that moment was lying on his couch finishing his fifth bag of Combos while watching Spike TV's Pros Vs. Joes. "Man, I bounced right off of Moose during a collision at home plate last summer. That guy is solid muscle after you get past all that [fat]." Ebbert went on to say that Glass was deceptively intelligent, though, in fact, the morbidly obese Glass has a below-average IQ, and is just quiet.

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