Fat Roommate Travels All The Way To Tennessee Just To Fuck Some Girl

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Vol 40 Issue 41

The Pope's Beatifications

Pope John Paul II beatified five people last week, among them a German mystic whose violent visions of Christ's suffering inspired Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. Who is the Pope planning to beatify next?

Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—More than 200 members of the International Brotherhood of Boilermakers picketed outside Ross-Ade Stadium Monday, protesting what they characterized as Purdue University's insensitive use of a boilermaker as a mascot. "We have worked too hard forging America's boilers to endure one-dimensional stereotypes like Purdue Pete," union president Newton B. Jones said. "Pete may be muscular and sensibly wearing a hardhat, but the hammer he brandishes serves as an ugly reminder of isolated instances of violence in the boilermakers' otherwise proud history." A similar controversy erupted in 2003, when a University of North Carolina football game was interrupted by 35 protesters afflicted with congenitally tarred heels.

Pringles Level At Six Inches And Falling

CINCINNATI—Snack experts warned Monday at 9:15 p.m. that the Pringles level within the Cody household had dipped to a dangerously low six inches and showed no signs of leveling off. "If the depletion of the Pizzalicious Pringles sitting on the couch does not slow, the supply may dip to a fraction of an inch before the end of Everybody Loves Raymond," said Carla Cody, who had been monitoring the potato-crisp reserve since 7 p.m. "It is crucial that we explore such alternative snack sources as Goldfish crackers." Cody then moved the can to the kitchen as a stop-gap measure.

U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur

Last week, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan set up a commission to determine whether genocide has taken place in the Darfur region of Sudan. What do you think?

World Bank Forecloses On World Farm

WASHINGTON, DC—Following years of threats, the World Bank foreclosed on the World Farm, a 64,000-square-mile plot of arable land in Dodoma, Tanzania that provides wheat, cattle, and goats to much of the Eastern Hemisphere. "This farm has been in my family since Zanzibar was a British protectorate," World Farmer Mwana "Clem" Mazooka said Monday, angrily waving a pitchfork. "I'll be damned if I let some world-city creditors get their grubby hands on it." In spite of Mazooka's protests, World Bank representatives said the World Farm Auction will take place on Oct. 24.

Apartment-Hunting Tips

Hunting for an apartment is hard work, but here are some pointers to help you find your perfect living space:
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Fat Roommate Travels All The Way To Tennessee Just To Fuck Some Girl

MINNEAPOLIS—Overweight 26-year-old Michael Paulson bid a temporary farewell to the apartment he shares with three friends Monday, in order to make a 900-mile bus trip to Memphis, TN "just to fuck some girl," his roommates reported.

Paulson prepares to travel all the way to Memphis, TN for some chick.

"As we speak, my fat roommate Michael is on a bus heading halfway across the country, just so he can pork some chick he barely knows," Nathan Keller said. "I can't believe how weak that shit is."

According to Keller, the 242-pound Paulson met 23-year-old Lindsay Lewis in a chat room devoted to bluegrass music. While their initial exchanges were music-oriented, they gradually began to write about topics ranging from politics to their love of Tom Robbins novels and golden retrievers.

"So he really did it," roommate Jimmy Gaines said when he saw the living-room chair where Paulson usually sits. "I didn't think the fat bastard was serious. Who goes all the way to Memphis just to dip his wick?"

"I know he's fat, but it's not like he's hideous," Gaines added.

Paulson and Lewis arranged to spend three days together in Memphis, a city Paulson was eager to visit because of its rich musical heritage. In order to pay for the trip, Paulson, a sales associate at Guitar Center, borrowed $300 from Keller.

"For $300, Michael could've gotten a hooker," Keller said. "You'd never catch me spending that much money on tail. I don't care how good she is. I never would have even loaned him the money, except I owed him for the time he loaned me rent."

"Do you think he told her he's fat?" he added.

Gaines said he asked Paulson the same question as soon as he heard about the trip.

"Michael said they'd exchanged pictures,'" Gaines said. "I was like, 'Did you send a recent photo?' He said he had. Then I asked him if Lindsay was fat, too, and he said she was cute. So there must be something majorly wrong with her."

"I should've helped him get laid," Gaines continued. "If he really wanted to, he could've probably fucked someone around here. Gina would probably fuck him if she was drunk. She hasn't said anything bad about him, and she fucks pretty much anyone. The point is: I don't care how fat you are; you don't travel south of the Mason-Dixon line for pussy."

Paulson took a total of six days off from work: two for travel, three for the visit, and one to recuperate after his return.

"We were supposed to get together and jam this week," coworker Tim Sabin said. "Instead, he asked if I'd cover a few of his shifts. If I didn't need the money, I would've refused on principle. I dated this one skank in Eau Claire for a few months, and even three hours was too far to go to get laid. Eventually, she dumped me cold. I learned my lesson: No long-distance ass. I don't care how hard-up you are. Or fat."

Paulson and Lewis have been discussing the possibility of a visit for a month, but they only finalized their plans last week.

"I told him he was crazy to do this just to hook up," Keller said. "You know what he told me? He said he was really excited to go. He was all like, 'She said she's really looking forward to meeting me.' I told him that, at the very least, he should have made her come stay at our place. That way, she pays."

Paulson was reached via cell phone Tuesday, just after 6 p.m.

"I don't want to rush anything with Lindsay," said Paulson, who was about 35 miles south of St. Louis. "We've been e-mailing and stuff for five months, but I still feel like we need to get to know each other a little more. If it happens, it happens, but if it doesn't, that's cool, too."

Added Paulson: "If I were desperate to get laid, I could always have a go at that gross Gina chick who puts her hand down my pants every time she gets drunk."

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