adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Fat Roommate Travels All The Way To Tennessee Just To Fuck Some Girl

MINNEAPOLIS—Overweight 26-year-old Michael Paulson bid a temporary farewell to the apartment he shares with three friends Monday, in order to make a 900-mile bus trip to Memphis, TN "just to fuck some girl," his roommates reported.

Paulson prepares to travel all the way to Memphis, TN for some chick.

"As we speak, my fat roommate Michael is on a bus heading halfway across the country, just so he can pork some chick he barely knows," Nathan Keller said. "I can't believe how weak that shit is."

According to Keller, the 242-pound Paulson met 23-year-old Lindsay Lewis in a chat room devoted to bluegrass music. While their initial exchanges were music-oriented, they gradually began to write about topics ranging from politics to their love of Tom Robbins novels and golden retrievers.

"So he really did it," roommate Jimmy Gaines said when he saw the living-room chair where Paulson usually sits. "I didn't think the fat bastard was serious. Who goes all the way to Memphis just to dip his wick?"

"I know he's fat, but it's not like he's hideous," Gaines added.

Paulson and Lewis arranged to spend three days together in Memphis, a city Paulson was eager to visit because of its rich musical heritage. In order to pay for the trip, Paulson, a sales associate at Guitar Center, borrowed $300 from Keller.

"For $300, Michael could've gotten a hooker," Keller said. "You'd never catch me spending that much money on tail. I don't care how good she is. I never would have even loaned him the money, except I owed him for the time he loaned me rent."

"Do you think he told her he's fat?" he added.

Gaines said he asked Paulson the same question as soon as he heard about the trip.

"Michael said they'd exchanged pictures,'" Gaines said. "I was like, 'Did you send a recent photo?' He said he had. Then I asked him if Lindsay was fat, too, and he said she was cute. So there must be something majorly wrong with her."

"I should've helped him get laid," Gaines continued. "If he really wanted to, he could've probably fucked someone around here. Gina would probably fuck him if she was drunk. She hasn't said anything bad about him, and she fucks pretty much anyone. The point is: I don't care how fat you are; you don't travel south of the Mason-Dixon line for pussy."

Paulson took a total of six days off from work: two for travel, three for the visit, and one to recuperate after his return.

"We were supposed to get together and jam this week," coworker Tim Sabin said. "Instead, he asked if I'd cover a few of his shifts. If I didn't need the money, I would've refused on principle. I dated this one skank in Eau Claire for a few months, and even three hours was too far to go to get laid. Eventually, she dumped me cold. I learned my lesson: No long-distance ass. I don't care how hard-up you are. Or fat."

Paulson and Lewis have been discussing the possibility of a visit for a month, but they only finalized their plans last week.

"I told him he was crazy to do this just to hook up," Keller said. "You know what he told me? He said he was really excited to go. He was all like, 'She said she's really looking forward to meeting me.' I told him that, at the very least, he should have made her come stay at our place. That way, she pays."

Paulson was reached via cell phone Tuesday, just after 6 p.m.

"I don't want to rush anything with Lindsay," said Paulson, who was about 35 miles south of St. Louis. "We've been e-mailing and stuff for five months, but I still feel like we need to get to know each other a little more. If it happens, it happens, but if it doesn't, that's cool, too."

Added Paulson: "If I were desperate to get laid, I could always have a go at that gross Gina chick who puts her hand down my pants every time she gets drunk."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close