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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Father And Son Take Incredibly Sad Annual Trip To Florida To Watch Mets In Spring Training

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—In a long-standing and pathetic family tradition, father and son Anthony and Justin Stroud this week made their incredibly depressing annual trip down to Florida to watch the New York Mets play in spring training, sources confirmed Sunday. “Every year, me and Justin load up the minivan and head down to Tradition Field to watch our Metropolitans shake off the old cobwebs,” said Anthony Stroud, who sadly drove 18 hours from Trenton, NJ with his 24-year-old son to purchase $8 tickets for the Mets’ exhibition matchup against the Atlanta Braves. “It’s a bit of a hike, but it’s great to get up-close and personal not just with established Mets stars like John Buck and Lucas Duda, but also promising up-and-comers like Jenrry Mejia and Jordany Valdespin. Something tells me this is going to be a magical season.” At press time, the father and son were pitifully attempting to cheer on the Mets.

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