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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Father And Son Take Incredibly Sad Annual Trip To Florida To Watch Mets In Spring Training

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—In a long-standing and pathetic family tradition, father and son Anthony and Justin Stroud this week made their incredibly depressing annual trip down to Florida to watch the New York Mets play in spring training, sources confirmed Sunday. “Every year, me and Justin load up the minivan and head down to Tradition Field to watch our Metropolitans shake off the old cobwebs,” said Anthony Stroud, who sadly drove 18 hours from Trenton, NJ with his 24-year-old son to purchase $8 tickets for the Mets’ exhibition matchup against the Atlanta Braves. “It’s a bit of a hike, but it’s great to get up-close and personal not just with established Mets stars like John Buck and Lucas Duda, but also promising up-and-comers like Jenrry Mejia and Jordany Valdespin. Something tells me this is going to be a magical season.” At press time, the father and son were pitifully attempting to cheer on the Mets.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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