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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Father Doesn't Understand Teenage Son's Obsession With Classic Rock

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Phil Poole, 42, said Monday that he is coming to grips with his 15-year-old son Carter's taste in music. "I thought he was playing it as a sarcastic thing, and I was like, 'Hey, kid, your mother and I dated to Boston and Journey,'" Poole said. "But after I overheard him talking about it with his friends, I realized he actually likes it. Then I got worried—I mean, his mother and I dated to Boston and Journey." Poole added that he will not give Carter $30 to buy a Hot Topic rip-off of the Asia T-shirt he bought for $10 at Spencer's Gifts in 1982.

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