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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Father Doesn't Understand Teenage Son's Obsession With Classic Rock

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Phil Poole, 42, said Monday that he is coming to grips with his 15-year-old son Carter's taste in music. "I thought he was playing it as a sarcastic thing, and I was like, 'Hey, kid, your mother and I dated to Boston and Journey,'" Poole said. "But after I overheard him talking about it with his friends, I realized he actually likes it. Then I got worried—I mean, his mother and I dated to Boston and Journey." Poole added that he will not give Carter $30 to buy a Hot Topic rip-off of the Asia T-shirt he bought for $10 at Spencer's Gifts in 1982.

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