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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Father Excitedly Tells 10-Year-Old Son About New Video Game System

WEST HAVEN, CT—Following Microsoft’s official unveiling of their latest video game console Tuesday, 41-year-old father of two Richard Shearer excitedly told his son David, 10, about the new features of the Xbox One. “It looks so awesome—the graphics are super realistic and there’s a new controller with these triggers that can, like, vibrate in different ways if you’re playing a shooting game or a racing game,” said the middle-aged accountant, tugging on his prepubescent child’s shirt to get his attention before loudly exclaiming that the console also features a Blu-Ray player and “can change the TV channels.” “And there’s this thing where, for the Kinect, it can track your fingers and your face, and it can even take voice commands! It’s so cool. We have to get one when it comes out!” At press time, Shearer was frantically calling his best friend Jacob, 43, to talk about the newly released commercial for forthcoming Xbox One game Call Of Duty: Ghosts.

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