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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Father Excitedly Tells 10-Year-Old Son About New Video Game System

WEST HAVEN, CT—Following Microsoft’s official unveiling of their latest video game console Tuesday, 41-year-old father of two Richard Shearer excitedly told his son David, 10, about the new features of the Xbox One. “It looks so awesome—the graphics are super realistic and there’s a new controller with these triggers that can, like, vibrate in different ways if you’re playing a shooting game or a racing game,” said the middle-aged accountant, tugging on his prepubescent child’s shirt to get his attention before loudly exclaiming that the console also features a Blu-Ray player and “can change the TV channels.” “And there’s this thing where, for the Kinect, it can track your fingers and your face, and it can even take voice commands! It’s so cool. We have to get one when it comes out!” At press time, Shearer was frantically calling his best friend Jacob, 43, to talk about the newly released commercial for forthcoming Xbox One game Call Of Duty: Ghosts.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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