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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Father Excitedly Tells 10-Year-Old Son About New Video Game System

WEST HAVEN, CT—Following Microsoft’s official unveiling of their latest video game console Tuesday, 41-year-old father of two Richard Shearer excitedly told his son David, 10, about the new features of the Xbox One. “It looks so awesome—the graphics are super realistic and there’s a new controller with these triggers that can, like, vibrate in different ways if you’re playing a shooting game or a racing game,” said the middle-aged accountant, tugging on his prepubescent child’s shirt to get his attention before loudly exclaiming that the console also features a Blu-Ray player and “can change the TV channels.” “And there’s this thing where, for the Kinect, it can track your fingers and your face, and it can even take voice commands! It’s so cool. We have to get one when it comes out!” At press time, Shearer was frantically calling his best friend Jacob, 43, to talk about the newly released commercial for forthcoming Xbox One game Call Of Duty: Ghosts.

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