adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
End Of Section
  • More News

Father Not Letting Firstborn Repeat Mistakes He Made As Nine-Month-Old

NAPERVILLE, IL—Citing a desire to ensure that his nine-month-old son, Jason, stays on the right path, Bill Yardley told reporters yesterday that he is determined not to let the infant make the same mistakes he made at that age.

"Back then, I didn't know my place in the world—I was young, directionless, aimless—and I don't want him to fall into those same bad habits," Yardley said, adding that he vowed to discourage his son from the same immature fixation with breasts that "set the tone for [his] entire misguided youth." "I only behaved that way to get attention. It was stupid. He's got his whole life ahead of him, and I just don't want him to ruin it."

Yardley added that he knew his son was starting to follow in his footsteps when Jason began "hitting the bottle" earlier and earlier each morning.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close