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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Father Only Expresses Love Through Concern For Proper Tire Inflation

ROCKY MOUNT, NC—Emotionally distant, undemonstrative father Earl Kolchak expressed his love for his 17-year-old daughter Jessica Tuesday the only way he knows how: by inquiring about the pressure of the four Firestone Radial tires on her 1995 Ford Festiva. "Are your tires full? You gotta make sure your tires are full, or you'll find yourself in big trouble one of these days," said Kolchak, conveying to Jessica how proud he is of her. "Tire pressure is nothing to mess with." Kolchak took his love for his daughter a step further by personally checking the tires with a hand-held pressure gauge, but later felt embarrassed by the expression of intimacy.

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