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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Father Only Expresses Love Through Concern For Proper Tire Inflation

ROCKY MOUNT, NC—Emotionally distant, undemonstrative father Earl Kolchak expressed his love for his 17-year-old daughter Jessica Tuesday the only way he knows how: by inquiring about the pressure of the four Firestone Radial tires on her 1995 Ford Festiva. "Are your tires full? You gotta make sure your tires are full, or you'll find yourself in big trouble one of these days," said Kolchak, conveying to Jessica how proud he is of her. "Tire pressure is nothing to mess with." Kolchak took his love for his daughter a step further by personally checking the tires with a hand-held pressure gauge, but later felt embarrassed by the expression of intimacy.

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