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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Father Only Expresses Love Through Concern For Proper Tire Inflation

ROCKY MOUNT, NC—Emotionally distant, undemonstrative father Earl Kolchak expressed his love for his 17-year-old daughter Jessica Tuesday the only way he knows how: by inquiring about the pressure of the four Firestone Radial tires on her 1995 Ford Festiva. "Are your tires full? You gotta make sure your tires are full, or you'll find yourself in big trouble one of these days," said Kolchak, conveying to Jessica how proud he is of her. "Tire pressure is nothing to mess with." Kolchak took his love for his daughter a step further by personally checking the tires with a hand-held pressure gauge, but later felt embarrassed by the expression of intimacy.

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