adBlockCheck

Father Still Has Complicated Series Of File Folders With Grown Son's Name On Them

Top Headlines

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Father Still Has Complicated Series Of File Folders With Grown Son's Name On Them

Bill Jacobson's ongoing endeavor ensures his adult son will never have to search for his August 8, 1994 parking ticket.
Bill Jacobson's ongoing endeavor ensures his adult son will never have to search for his August 8, 1994 parking ticket.

TUALATIN, OR—Former project manager Bill Jacobson, 62, confirmed Monday that he still has in his possession an intricate system of immaculately maintained file folders with the name of his 34-year-old son written on them in black marker.

"I'm just holding onto them for [David]," Jacobson said of the exhaustive collection of his adult son's old financial, academic, and medical records, which were reportedly collected at various points between the years 1975 and 1997. "I wouldn't want him to lose anything. There's some important stuff in there, and it's easier just to have it all in one place."

"If he ever needs anything from [the folders] he can just call home," Jacobson added.

The folders, which are meticulously organized into 15 separate color-coded categories and contained within a legal-sized accordion file labeled "David," are reportedly stored alongside many other files in a large plastic bin kept beneath the basement stairs of Jacobson's home.

Jacobson, who ceased having any sort of authority over his son's life more than 16 years ago, began creating the file system in the weeks before David was born, and over the years steadily added to it various documents ranging from his son's birth certificate, to insurance forms for his son's first car, to a handwritten list from 1993 outlining possible summer jobs.

"It's a good thing I have these," Jacobson said of the file folders. "Someone's gotta keep track of this kind of stuff."

Though it is no longer necessary for Jacobson to have access to the folders—and no new documents have been added in more than a decade—the retiree claimed it was nevertheless necessary for him to keep them a little while longer until his son was ready for them.

"Davey was always a little absentminded," said Jacobson, whose son owns and operates a successful carpentry business in the San Jose area, is happily married, and has two young children. "Losing school books and jackets and stuff like that. You can't lose these documents. They're the only copies."

"Besides, some of the stuff in there pertains to both of us," Jacobson added. "Like all of the old bank statements from that joint savings account Dave and I opened when he was in high school. Some of these papers are mine, too."

Although family sources confirmed that none of the documents in the neatly labeled files has been needed for any reason in quite some time, Jacobson told reporters that he recently spent an evening alone in the basement leafing through some of his son's old doctor's bills, college-application essays, and "that little paper with Davey's baby footprints on them" just to confirm that everything was in "perfect order."

While he plans to transfer the folders into his son's possession at some point in the future, possibly once David and his wife buy a larger house with a nice big basement, Jacobson said that at the moment there was no pressing need to do so, as there was "still plenty of room here in the [plastic storage] bin" and he was "still [David's] father, after all."

"No, no," Jacobson said. "Not yet. It would just confuse things."

Added Jacobson, "Just let me do this."

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close