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Father Wants Only The Best For His Truck

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High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Father Wants Only The Best For His Truck

PRINEVILLE, OR—Charles "Chuck" Maurer, a local lumberyard manager and father of two, wants only the very best for his 2002 Ford F150 extended-cab truck, the 41-year-old reported Monday.

Maurer, seen here with his wife and sons, is dedicated to being a good provider for his Ford F150.

"Growing up, my family didn't have much money," said Maurer, ignoring his son Cory's pleas to play catch. "There were lots of things we couldn't afford, that we had to make do without. But now that I make a good wage, I want my own truck to have all the things my dad's truck never had."

Since purchasing the F150 last April, Maurer has treated it to numerous small upgrades, including wheel covers, floor mats, radar detector, and sun shield, as well as costlier, factory-installed features such as anti-lock brakes, cruise control, and air bags.

Though he makes an effort to pay equal attention to the family's other vehicle, the 1994 Chevy Corsica his wife June uses to drive to work and pick up sons Cory, 12, and Kyle, 10, from school, Maurer admitted that the truck is "his baby."

"I know everyone thinks their truck is the best in the world, but mine is really something special," said Maurer, pulling a canvas cover over the vehicle and giving the cab an affectionate pat. "Nothing but the best for my F150."

Maurer said he sometimes worries that he is spoiling his truck, but he confessed to doing it anyway.

"When I gave it leather seats and a custom grill cover, a part of me feared it was too much," Maurer said. "But then I thought about Dad's poor '75 Chevy pick-up and how it didn't have any options. If you want your truck to be the best it can possibly be, you need to make sure it has options."

"If your truck has the very best right from the start, like this power 6.0L V8 with 325 horsepower, it's less likely to struggle later," continued Maurer, who plans to skip Kyle's school play Friday to take his truck fishing. "You always want to make sure your truck is equipped to cope with life's bumpy roads."
Maurer said he makes sure to spend plenty of quality time with his truck.

"In this day and age, too many truck owners try to pawn off responsibility to someone else," Maurer said. "They just drop it off at the Jiffy Lube or Tires Plus and assume that's okay. But a mechanic is no substitute for an owner: If you don't actually put in the time with your own truck, how can you know what's really going on under the hood? That's why I never miss any of the important events. I'm there for every tire rotation, oil change, and radiator flush-and-fill, even if it means having to take time off from work."

Maurer's pride and joy.

Maurer said he has always firmly believed that proper maintenance begins at home.

"You have to really get to know your truck; you have to listen to it," Maurer said. "If you do, you'll pick up on those little clicks and whines that are signs of bigger problems. Even when it's running perfectly and it seems like nothing's bothering it, your truck is trying to tell you things. You just have to have the patience to hear."

Though he primarily uses his truck to drive to work and run errands around town, Maurer said it is important to "make sure the engine gets some exercise" by driving at higher speeds.

"Sometimes, I'll take a special trip out to the state forest or to a Seahawks game so I can open it up to 75 or 85 on the interstate," Maurer said. "It's good to push your truck once in a while. A few nicks and dings are part of life."

"But just enough to build a little character," Maurer clarified. "When I see someone mistreat a vehicle, it makes me want to cry."
Maurer shared a horror story of a coworker who abused his truck.

"This guy would let his fool son run his S-10 all over town and, sure enough, about a year ago, it was in an accident. The whole driver's side was smashed in, and the windshield blew right out of the frame," Maurer said. "I guess it could've been worse. At least the chassis wasn't hurt, thank God."

As much as he hates to see a truck physically abused, Maurer said neglect can be just as harmful.

"Some men ignore their trucks for years, and then, when rust spots appear, they act surprised," Maurer said. "By that point, though, it's too late. So I always tell truck owners to cherish the early years and make the most of them. You can't undo the damage you do to a truck, and when the warranty expires, you can't go back in time and relive those years."

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