Favorite Stick Brought Inside

Top Headlines

After Birth

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Favorite Stick Brought Inside

DENVER—Discarding a number of twigs that did not conform to his high standards, Nicholas Thompson, 5, finally selected a favorite stick from his backyard Friday, deeming the 24-inch Norway maple branch to be sufficient in length and sturdiness to be brought inside his home. "This is a good stick," said Thompson, who evaluated the piece of wood and determined it made a cool whooshing noise. "And it's magic. So it can turn into a wizard's wand and poke bad guys." Thompson family sources reported that since the beginning of 2009 Nicholas has brought 11 favorite rocks, 17 preferred pinecones, and one beloved handful of dirt into their home.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close