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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Favorite Stick Brought Inside

DENVER—Discarding a number of twigs that did not conform to his high standards, Nicholas Thompson, 5, finally selected a favorite stick from his backyard Friday, deeming the 24-inch Norway maple branch to be sufficient in length and sturdiness to be brought inside his home. "This is a good stick," said Thompson, who evaluated the piece of wood and determined it made a cool whooshing noise. "And it's magic. So it can turn into a wizard's wand and poke bad guys." Thompson family sources reported that since the beginning of 2009 Nicholas has brought 11 favorite rocks, 17 preferred pinecones, and one beloved handful of dirt into their home.

After Birth

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