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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Favre Announces He Will Return To College Football

HATTIESBURG, MS—Quarterback Brett Favre responded Saturday to the question of whether or not he had any football left in him by announcing that he would return for at least one more season at a major college program. "I'd like to win one more championship before I retire for good, and Southern Miss, Tennessee, and Florida all have talented young squads that could make a real run to number one next year," said Favre, who has been recruited by several top programs but will wait until after Signing Day to commit to a school. "I know I still have a ways to go with my decision-making, but I know I'd be the kind of quarterback that could grow along with a program." Although scouts from several Division I teams are interested in Favre, they noted that he played an option scheme in high school and seemed noncommittal about maintaining the required 2.25 GPA.

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