Favre: I've Always Had A Passion For Stopping Things, Then Starting To Do Things Again

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Favre: I've Always Had A Passion For Stopping Things, Then Starting To Do Things Again

KILN, MS—Embattled quarterback Brett Favre attempted Monday to explain his recent actions concerning his recent reversal of his decision to retire by holding a press conference in which he explained his lifelong love for quitting things briefly before resuming those same things after a certain interval of time had passed. "I'm just that kind of guy, I guess—a gunslinger on one hand, but on the other, a man who knows when to stop, at least at first, but then it turns out I really didn't know when to stop after all," Favre said. "I guess you could say I'm a guy who quits, then realizes I don't know the meaning of the word quit." A number of the journalists present were later heard to wonder, in light of Favre's recent inexplicable behavior, if perhaps drinking heavily were one of the things the first-ballot Hall of Famer had stopped doing before starting again.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close