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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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FBI Calls For Increased Surveillance Powers To Keep Pace With Evolving Threat Of Presidential Administrations

WASHINGTON—Saying the issue was an urgent matter of national security, FBI director James Comey said at a press conference Tuesday that the agency required increased surveillance powers in order to keep pace with the continually evolving threat of presidential administrations. “Even with the vast tools we currently have, the FBI simply cannot keep up with the growing dangers posed by presidents, their cabinets, and other staffers,” said Comey, who called for a significant expansion of the agency’s investigative capabilities, including investing in state-of-the-art surveillance technology and hiring many more field agents to offset each new threat from an administration as it emerged. “Of course, keeping the country safe from presidencies is not solely within the purview of one agency, and we welcome the cooperation of the NSA, the Department of Homeland Security, and the CIA, as well as state and local law enforcement, in our investigations.” Comey cautioned, however, that even if the FBI had vastly expanded powers, it was still only a matter of time before a presidential administration horrifically attacked America once again.

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