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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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FBI Can’t Bring Themselves To Bust Guy Torrenting Every Season Of ‘Picket Fences’

WASHINGTON—FBI officials announced Friday that even though they have enough evidence to make an arrest, they just can’t bring themselves to bust a man who recently downloaded all four seasons of the 20-year-old TV drama Picket Fences from a torrent site. “The crime definitely falls within our jurisdiction, but if this guy has actually reached a point in his life where he’s pirating Picket Fences, maybe he already has enough to deal with, you know?” said FBI Director Robert Mueller, expressing sympathy for the individual who apparently wishes to pass his time viewing 88 episodes of a television series that no one even bothered to release in its entirety on DVD. “We could slap him with a fine, but is that really going to be any worse than what he’s already going through? Maybe keeping up with the lives of Sheriff Jimmy Brock and his family as they negotiate the strange happenings of a small Wisconsin town is all this guy has to cling to these days. I say if that’s what you need, then so be it. Go right on ahead and enjoy Picket Fences.” The man who downloaded the show could not be reached for comment, which sources confirmed is unfortunate, because talking to another human being is something he could probably use right about now.

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