adBlockCheck

FBI Can’t Bring Themselves To Bust Guy Torrenting Every Season Of ‘Picket Fences’

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Surprises

FBI Can’t Bring Themselves To Bust Guy Torrenting Every Season Of ‘Picket Fences’

WASHINGTON—FBI officials announced Friday that even though they have enough evidence to make an arrest, they just can’t bring themselves to bust a man who recently downloaded all four seasons of the 20-year-old TV drama Picket Fences from a torrent site. “The crime definitely falls within our jurisdiction, but if this guy has actually reached a point in his life where he’s pirating Picket Fences, maybe he already has enough to deal with, you know?” said FBI Director Robert Mueller, expressing sympathy for the individual who apparently wishes to pass his time viewing 88 episodes of a television series that no one even bothered to release in its entirety on DVD. “We could slap him with a fine, but is that really going to be any worse than what he’s already going through? Maybe keeping up with the lives of Sheriff Jimmy Brock and his family as they negotiate the strange happenings of a small Wisconsin town is all this guy has to cling to these days. I say if that’s what you need, then so be it. Go right on ahead and enjoy Picket Fences.” The man who downloaded the show could not be reached for comment, which sources confirmed is unfortunate, because talking to another human being is something he could probably use right about now.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close