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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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FBI Counterterrorists Launch Media Campaign Downplaying Symbolic Value Of Golden Gate Bridge

WASHINGTON—Describing the structure as purely utilitarian and devoid of any inspirational characteristics, officials from the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division launched an international media campaign Wednesday downplaying the symbolic value of the Golden Gate Bridge. “When Americans look at the Golden Gate Bridge, they see some towers and cables and that’s about it—it’s certainly no more an embodiment of American values than any other piece of public infrastructure,” FBI assistant director of public affairs Michael Kortan told reporters before drawing attention to the agency’s Twitter account, which had released a series of tweets explaining that the bridge was “not even that well-known outside the Bay Area” and “pretty much just postcard fodder.” “From an engineering standpoint, I guess it’s somewhat impressive, but by those criteria, all bridges and overpasses are fairly impressive. It’s no London Tower Bridge, that’s for sure.” Kortan added that, given what an unsightly orange color the bridge is, getting rid of it would actually be warmly welcomed by all Americans.

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