FBI Discontinues Surveillance Of Rockwell

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Vol 34 Issue 11

Chicken Killed

WAYCROSS, GA—In a grisly murder that has stunned residents, the gutted remains of a local chicken were found in a dumpster.

Just Call Me Jean The Football Widow!

With fall coming, that can only mean two things: time to put up the Halloween decorations, and football weekends. And guess which one hubby Rick loves and I hate! Rick sits in front of that TV for so long, cobwebs form around him! Meanwhile, who gets to do the grocery shopping, the cleaning, and the laundry? You guessed it–old Jean the football widow herself!

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MOORHEAD, MN–Moorhead resident Carl Perry damn near shit himself Monday, when a big-ass animal jumped right the fuck out in front of his Chevy pick-up. According to reports, the 41-year-old Perry was driving on Highway C to Ed's Tavern when the huge fucking thing jumped right the fuck out in front of him from out of nowhere. Though the animal, described by witnesses as a big-old son of a bitch with these weird-looking horns, jumped clear of the vehicle before collision, the fuck was scared out of Perry.

Night Watchman Keeps Leno Under Close Surveillance

DUNCANVILLE, TX–Ray Shymanski, a night watchman at a Duncanville auto-parts warehouse, has been keeping an extra-close eye out for Tonight Show host Jay Leno, it was learned Tuesday. For nearly two months, Shymanski has not let Leno out of his sight, following him closely on a five-inch portable monitor he brings to work each night. "What Mr. Leno says, I will hear. What he does, I will see," the determined Shymanski said. "Leno will not leave my sight at any time, even if I have to wait for commercial breaks to go to the bathroom." Shymanski, also known for his close observation of Conan O'Brien and Tom Snyder, said that Leno will continue to be singled out. "Leno had better not try anything funny," he warned ominously.

Suburbanite Saved From Certain Poisoning By Brita Filter

SYOSSET, NY–Long Island homemaker Judith Weiss narrowly escaped poisoning Tuesday when her tap water was purified by her Brita Water Filtration System. "If not for this Brita filter, I would have died," a shaken Weiss said after drinking a glass of filtered water. "My water was filled with lead, copper, and other dangerous impurities, but this filter intercepted them just in time." In addition to saving the lives of Weiss and her family, the heroic filter also improved the water's taste and odor through its patented chlorine-removal system.

Custody Battle Sparks Couple's First-Ever Interest In Child

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–Area 8-year-old Danny Rasmussen is enjoying the attention of his parents for the first time ever, thanks to a bitter custody battle, it was reported Monday. "I sure as hell ain't letting Denice get the kid," father Larry Rasmussen said. "She got the house and the car, so I've got to keep something from that bitch." Denice Rasmussen expressed a similar determination. "I'll do whatever it takes to deny Larry custody," she said. "I'll even take that kid out and buy him whatever he wants." Danny, unaccustomed to being prioritized by his parents, is rejoicing over his newfound importance in their lives. "This means that they love me," he said.

Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way

LOUISVILLE, KY–With great fanfare Monday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. "You've never tasted Taco Bell's five ingredients combined quite like this," Taco Bell CEO Walter Berenyi said. "The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you've ever eaten here at Taco Bell." The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.

The Budget Surplus

The 1998 fiscal year ended with a federal budget surplus of $70 billion, the first surplus in three decades. What do you think?
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FBI Discontinues Surveillance Of Rockwell

WASHINGTON, DC–After 15 years of undercover work, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday that it is discontinuing its surveillance of mid-'80s pop star Rockwell.

FBI director Louis Freeh announces the end of the agency's longtime Rockwell-surveillance program.

"We have finally determined to our satisfaction that Rockwell poses no significant threat to national security," FBI director Louis Freeh told reporters at a press conference Monday. "As a result, we are confident that he no longer needs watching."

Rockwell, who since 1983 has endured hidden-camera observations, phone-tappings and stakeouts at the hands of FBI agents, said he is "not mollified" by the announcement.

"All I ever wanted was to be left alone, in my average home," the former Motown recording artist told reporters. "But for a decade and a half, the FBI made me feel like I was in the twilight zone. Nothing can ever give me back those years."

Rockwell, long derided for what was widely seen as paranoid delusion on his part, said he is owed an apology from "a great many individuals."

A 1986 FBI surveillance-video image of Rockwell.

"People laughed at me when I told them I was being watched. They laughed when I told them I was afraid to wash my hair because I might open my eyes and find someone standing there," said Rockwell, speaking in his trademark dandified, British-accented, quasi-rap style. "But now, the world finally knows that my fears were justified all along."

The FBI's Rockwell-surveillance program reached its peak in 1986, when $22 million in federal funds was allocated for the observation of the singer. In total, more than $150 million has been spent on Rockwell-observation since 1983.

Despite his lingering resentment and anger over the years spent under observation, Rockwell said he is excited about the future and looking forward to finally enjoying a normal existence.

"I'm just an average man with an average life," said Rockwell, backed by a pulsating synthesizer track. "But for years, I felt like I had no privacy. I felt like people were playing tricks on me. Thankfully, though, I am finally vindicated. My suspicions were correct all along."

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