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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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FBI Discontinues Surveillance Of Rockwell

WASHINGTON, DC–After 15 years of undercover work, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday that it is discontinuing its surveillance of mid-'80s pop star Rockwell.

FBI director Louis Freeh announces the end of the agency's longtime Rockwell-surveillance program.

"We have finally determined to our satisfaction that Rockwell poses no significant threat to national security," FBI director Louis Freeh told reporters at a press conference Monday. "As a result, we are confident that he no longer needs watching."

Rockwell, who since 1983 has endured hidden-camera observations, phone-tappings and stakeouts at the hands of FBI agents, said he is "not mollified" by the announcement.

"All I ever wanted was to be left alone, in my average home," the former Motown recording artist told reporters. "But for a decade and a half, the FBI made me feel like I was in the twilight zone. Nothing can ever give me back those years."

Rockwell, long derided for what was widely seen as paranoid delusion on his part, said he is owed an apology from "a great many individuals."

A 1986 FBI surveillance-video image of Rockwell.

"People laughed at me when I told them I was being watched. They laughed when I told them I was afraid to wash my hair because I might open my eyes and find someone standing there," said Rockwell, speaking in his trademark dandified, British-accented, quasi-rap style. "But now, the world finally knows that my fears were justified all along."

The FBI's Rockwell-surveillance program reached its peak in 1986, when $22 million in federal funds was allocated for the observation of the singer. In total, more than $150 million has been spent on Rockwell-observation since 1983.

Despite his lingering resentment and anger over the years spent under observation, Rockwell said he is excited about the future and looking forward to finally enjoying a normal existence.

"I'm just an average man with an average life," said Rockwell, backed by a pulsating synthesizer track. "But for years, I felt like I had no privacy. I felt like people were playing tricks on me. Thankfully, though, I am finally vindicated. My suspicions were correct all along."

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