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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

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James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

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Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

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FBI Discontinues Surveillance Of Rockwell

WASHINGTON, DC–After 15 years of undercover work, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday that it is discontinuing its surveillance of mid-'80s pop star Rockwell.

FBI director Louis Freeh announces the end of the agency's longtime Rockwell-surveillance program.

"We have finally determined to our satisfaction that Rockwell poses no significant threat to national security," FBI director Louis Freeh told reporters at a press conference Monday. "As a result, we are confident that he no longer needs watching."

Rockwell, who since 1983 has endured hidden-camera observations, phone-tappings and stakeouts at the hands of FBI agents, said he is "not mollified" by the announcement.

"All I ever wanted was to be left alone, in my average home," the former Motown recording artist told reporters. "But for a decade and a half, the FBI made me feel like I was in the twilight zone. Nothing can ever give me back those years."

Rockwell, long derided for what was widely seen as paranoid delusion on his part, said he is owed an apology from "a great many individuals."

A 1986 FBI surveillance-video image of Rockwell.

"People laughed at me when I told them I was being watched. They laughed when I told them I was afraid to wash my hair because I might open my eyes and find someone standing there," said Rockwell, speaking in his trademark dandified, British-accented, quasi-rap style. "But now, the world finally knows that my fears were justified all along."

The FBI's Rockwell-surveillance program reached its peak in 1986, when $22 million in federal funds was allocated for the observation of the singer. In total, more than $150 million has been spent on Rockwell-observation since 1983.

Despite his lingering resentment and anger over the years spent under observation, Rockwell said he is excited about the future and looking forward to finally enjoying a normal existence.

"I'm just an average man with an average life," said Rockwell, backed by a pulsating synthesizer track. "But for years, I felt like I had no privacy. I felt like people were playing tricks on me. Thankfully, though, I am finally vindicated. My suspicions were correct all along."

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