adBlockCheck

FBI Discontinues Witness Protection Parade

Top Headlines

Politics

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

FBI Discontinues Witness Protection Parade

WASHINGTON, DC—FBI director Robert S. Mueller III announced Monday that, due to logistical complications and a lack of interest among participants, the annual Witness Protection Parade will be cancelled "for the foreseeable future."

Participants in last year's Witness Protection Parade.

"The feeling among organizers, participants, and sponsors was that the John Smith Memorial Witness Protection Parade—though a lot of fun—presented too many headaches for everyone involved," Mueller said in a press conference Monday.

The parade, scheduled this year for Oct. 4, has been a major event in Washington ever since the creation of the federal witness-protection program 30 years ago, and has historically garnered TV ratings second only to those of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

"This event has been our way of recognizing the brave men and women whose legal testimony forced them to join the federal witness-protection program," Mueller said. "It was our way of putting these true patriots in the spotlight, if only for a few hours."

Nevertheless, Mueller said that dozens of last year's marchers, all of whom have asked not to be named, declined the invitation to participate in next month's parade. Most claimed that family matters, personal commitments, or the demands of their pool-cleaning jobs in Tempe wouldn't allow them to be in Washington over the weekend.

Mueller said the parade has always been difficult to organize.

"You wouldn't believe how hard it was to track everyone down every year," Mueller said. "Even after we did, there was always trouble. We'd have a group all arranged to carry the big 'Star Witnesses Shining Bright' banner, and then, poof, all six men would disappear into thin air the day of the event."

Mueller said that an additional factor leading to the parade's cancellation was the rising cost of insuring it.

Over the years, the parade has seen an unusually high incidence of tragedy as it winds through 2.4 miles of downtown D.C. In 1977, a burning, driverless garbage truck, reported stolen earlier in the day from the Happy Haul-Away Sanitation Company, plunged into the "Telling The Tales Of Yesteryear" float, killing 17 men. In the '80s, the route was changed annually, in an attempt to circumvent the tendency of Colombian-owned businesses to detonate as the parade passed. Also, the "Boxes Of Nails From Around The World" limousine caravan sponsored by the Sons Of Italy Working Men's Association has exploded with dire consequences seven out of the past nine years.

"Even though the parade was cancelled, it was nice to have been invited," said John Smith, who would have been this year's grand marshal. Smith was granted the honor in celebration of his testimony in the Racketeer Influenced, Corrupt Organizations Act case against convicted Russian mafia boss Illyini Yutokarev last year.

"For poor boy from Ukraine, it is certainly dream come true," said Smith, who said he is not related to any of the 27 previous grand marshals of the same name. "But I never expect any special recognition for what I've done. In fact, I specifically ask for no recognition. Please, none. Please."

Longtime fans of the event expressed disappointment over the parade's cancellation.

"I always loved to watch the parade," said Jilly Messalini, 48, a small-business owner from New York. "I tell you, I'll miss it. Every year, I bring the boys from Brooklyn to see the sights, you know? I usually spot at least one old friend, or maybe even his kids, in one of the marching bands."

"Last year, I recognized a long-lost cousin on the 'Fun Fun Fun In The Arizona Sun' float," said parade attendee Herbert Tong, a prosperous dry-cleaner and importer from San Francisco's Chinatown. "I waved, but he must not have noticed me. I followed him for blocks yelling out his name, but he never waved back. He was probably just embarrassed about his missing fingers."

Although the FBI sponsored the annual parade, the cancellation will also affect other federal agencies that make use of the witness-protection program.

"The IRS and the DEA would always send a nice group out," Mueller said. "And the CIA would usually support us by collecting donations. But then, money was never a problem. In fact, I was shocked by how generous some of the anonymous donors were. You should have seen the rubber-banded rolls of cash we'd find in those coffee cans we placed around town. Clearly, some people really wanted to see these parades happen."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close