FBI Discontinues Witness Protection Parade

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Vol 39 Issue 35

45-Year-Old Fails To Make Someone Very Happy One Day

NEW MEADOWS, ID—In spite of predictions to the contrary, Larry Naering, a 45-year-old research scientist, has failed to make someone very happy one day, his mother Nancy reported Monday. "He's always been such a handsome, responsible boy," said Nancy, who used to look forward to having grandchildren. "I always told him that some girl was going to discover a real hidden treasure if she took the time to look at him. I guess I was wrong." Nancy said her son's chances of finding that one-in-a-million love have dwindled to one in 50 billion.

New Desk Chair A Boring Dream Come True

BUCKLIN, KS—The arrival of a royal-blue Global Armless Task Chair at Allstate Insurance Monday marked an extremely mundane "dream come true" for human-resources aide Patty Keely. "I so love my life," said a giddy Keely, 31, without a shred of irony. "I've been wanting a chair with wheels for so long, but I never thought [office manager] Don [Frissel] would get me one. Now my chair won't make that horrible scraping sound every time I stand up to file something. Yes!" Now that she has a new desk chair, Keely said she fantasizes about one day buying a Chevrolet Cavalier or visiting her cousin in Branson, MO.

Woman Assures You She's Not Mad

CASPER, WY—Your girlfriend of four months, University Xerox employee Rebecca Kohler, assured you Monday that she was "not mad" about being unable to reach you on the phone Saturday night, even though you said you would probably be home. "For the last time, I'm not angry at you, goddamnit!" a furious Kohler said. "Christ, are you trying to make me mad?" The perfectly fine Kohler then proceeded to violently three-hole-punch stacks of photocopies and explain to her coworker, Annabelle Agneau, that the only person she was mad at was herself, for having thought you might be different.

Obituary Cites Teen's Love Of Music, Cars

PHOENIX—Patrick Pryde, beloved 17-year-old son of Charles and Elizabeth, loved music and cars, the Phoenix Gazette reported on page D-18 Monday. "Patrick's enthusiasm and passion for life touched all who knew him," the obituary read. "Whether waiting in line overnight for Kid Rock tickets or checking his car's oil level, Patrick showed an unshakable determination and insatiable curiosity, both of which will forever live on in our hearts and minds." Other items mentioned as being loved by Pryde included video games, the Internet, and cable television.

White House Denied Third Mortgage

WASHINGTON, DC—In light of recent budget concerns, President and Mrs. Bush attempted to take out a third mortgage on the White House Monday, but were denied. "Unfortunately, we're unable to serve the president's needs at this time," Washington Mutual loan officer Judy Schamanski told reporters. "Within the next 30 days, Mr. Bush will receive an adverse-action notice in the mail, which will outline the specific reasons for the denial. But, for starters, I would suggest that he get current on his second mortgage before he even considers a third." Schamanski added that Bush is more than welcome to reapply in the future, should his credit profile improve.

U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq

In a U.N. resolution last week, the U.S. sought troops and money from all nations to aide in Iraq's postwar reconstruction. What do you think?

Daddy H. Day Care

Yo, this is foe tha day-care peeps who tend to mah shortie, Baby Prince H Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafuckin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld Tha Second. (His mama call him Tanner, but she a bitch.)
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FBI Discontinues Witness Protection Parade

WASHINGTON, DC—FBI director Robert S. Mueller III announced Monday that, due to logistical complications and a lack of interest among participants, the annual Witness Protection Parade will be cancelled "for the foreseeable future."

Participants in last year's Witness Protection Parade.

"The feeling among organizers, participants, and sponsors was that the John Smith Memorial Witness Protection Parade—though a lot of fun—presented too many headaches for everyone involved," Mueller said in a press conference Monday.

The parade, scheduled this year for Oct. 4, has been a major event in Washington ever since the creation of the federal witness-protection program 30 years ago, and has historically garnered TV ratings second only to those of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

"This event has been our way of recognizing the brave men and women whose legal testimony forced them to join the federal witness-protection program," Mueller said. "It was our way of putting these true patriots in the spotlight, if only for a few hours."

Nevertheless, Mueller said that dozens of last year's marchers, all of whom have asked not to be named, declined the invitation to participate in next month's parade. Most claimed that family matters, personal commitments, or the demands of their pool-cleaning jobs in Tempe wouldn't allow them to be in Washington over the weekend.

Mueller said the parade has always been difficult to organize.

"You wouldn't believe how hard it was to track everyone down every year," Mueller said. "Even after we did, there was always trouble. We'd have a group all arranged to carry the big 'Star Witnesses Shining Bright' banner, and then, poof, all six men would disappear into thin air the day of the event."

Mueller said that an additional factor leading to the parade's cancellation was the rising cost of insuring it.

Over the years, the parade has seen an unusually high incidence of tragedy as it winds through 2.4 miles of downtown D.C. In 1977, a burning, driverless garbage truck, reported stolen earlier in the day from the Happy Haul-Away Sanitation Company, plunged into the "Telling The Tales Of Yesteryear" float, killing 17 men. In the '80s, the route was changed annually, in an attempt to circumvent the tendency of Colombian-owned businesses to detonate as the parade passed. Also, the "Boxes Of Nails From Around The World" limousine caravan sponsored by the Sons Of Italy Working Men's Association has exploded with dire consequences seven out of the past nine years.

"Even though the parade was cancelled, it was nice to have been invited," said John Smith, who would have been this year's grand marshal. Smith was granted the honor in celebration of his testimony in the Racketeer Influenced, Corrupt Organizations Act case against convicted Russian mafia boss Illyini Yutokarev last year.

"For poor boy from Ukraine, it is certainly dream come true," said Smith, who said he is not related to any of the 27 previous grand marshals of the same name. "But I never expect any special recognition for what I've done. In fact, I specifically ask for no recognition. Please, none. Please."

Longtime fans of the event expressed disappointment over the parade's cancellation.

"I always loved to watch the parade," said Jilly Messalini, 48, a small-business owner from New York. "I tell you, I'll miss it. Every year, I bring the boys from Brooklyn to see the sights, you know? I usually spot at least one old friend, or maybe even his kids, in one of the marching bands."

"Last year, I recognized a long-lost cousin on the 'Fun Fun Fun In The Arizona Sun' float," said parade attendee Herbert Tong, a prosperous dry-cleaner and importer from San Francisco's Chinatown. "I waved, but he must not have noticed me. I followed him for blocks yelling out his name, but he never waved back. He was probably just embarrassed about his missing fingers."

Although the FBI sponsored the annual parade, the cancellation will also affect other federal agencies that make use of the witness-protection program.

"The IRS and the DEA would always send a nice group out," Mueller said. "And the CIA would usually support us by collecting donations. But then, money was never a problem. In fact, I was shocked by how generous some of the anonymous donors were. You should have seen the rubber-banded rolls of cash we'd find in those coffee cans we placed around town. Clearly, some people really wanted to see these parades happen."

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