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FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt For New Office Manager

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt For New Office Manager

WASHINGTON—The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday that it will use all of its resources to sweep the nation in an exhaustive search for a new office manager/receptionist. "We are looking for a Caucasian male or female in their late 20s or early 30s," read a portion of one of thousands of "Wanted" posters hung on telephone poles and employment-office bulletin boards around the country. "The suspect is considered armed with a great personality and dangerously good at replacing toner cartridges. He or she was last seen on the corner of 'Opportunity St.' and 'Competitive Benefits Package Blvd.'" In a statement to the press, FBI director Robert Mueller reiterated that his team of highly trained federal operatives "will not stop until [they] find the man or woman responsible enough to replace Jessie." The FBI has interrogated more than 450 potential suspects thus far and tortured three, but none of them has fit the description of someone willing to work for $32,500 a year.

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