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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt For New Office Manager

WASHINGTON—The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday that it will use all of its resources to sweep the nation in an exhaustive search for a new office manager/receptionist. "We are looking for a Caucasian male or female in their late 20s or early 30s," read a portion of one of thousands of "Wanted" posters hung on telephone poles and employment-office bulletin boards around the country. "The suspect is considered armed with a great personality and dangerously good at replacing toner cartridges. He or she was last seen on the corner of 'Opportunity St.' and 'Competitive Benefits Package Blvd.'" In a statement to the press, FBI director Robert Mueller reiterated that his team of highly trained federal operatives "will not stop until [they] find the man or woman responsible enough to replace Jessie." The FBI has interrogated more than 450 potential suspects thus far and tortured three, but none of them has fit the description of someone willing to work for $32,500 a year.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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