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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt For New Office Manager

WASHINGTON—The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday that it will use all of its resources to sweep the nation in an exhaustive search for a new office manager/receptionist. "We are looking for a Caucasian male or female in their late 20s or early 30s," read a portion of one of thousands of "Wanted" posters hung on telephone poles and employment-office bulletin boards around the country. "The suspect is considered armed with a great personality and dangerously good at replacing toner cartridges. He or she was last seen on the corner of 'Opportunity St.' and 'Competitive Benefits Package Blvd.'" In a statement to the press, FBI director Robert Mueller reiterated that his team of highly trained federal operatives "will not stop until [they] find the man or woman responsible enough to replace Jessie." The FBI has interrogated more than 450 potential suspects thus far and tortured three, but none of them has fit the description of someone willing to work for $32,500 a year.

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