FBI Launches Raid On Saturn Compound

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Vol 31 Issue 03

Ugly Girl Killed

CASPER, WY—The murder of clumsy, unattractive, 6-year-old Edith Pelphrey has not sent shockwaves of grief through the nation.

Clinton Clinton

WASHINGTON, DC—It was confirmed Monday that President Bill Clinton, who was Bill Clinton throughout the entire four years of his first term, is still Bill Clinton. "We are pleased with the stability of the president's identity," White House spokesperson Kathleen Shepherd told reporters. "It indicates that President Clinton is unlikely to transform from Bill Clinton into a non-Clinton form." Washington officials hope Clinton can remain Clinton throughout his second term, preventing unfortunate events such as in November 1975, when President Gerald Ford was briefly What's Happenin's Rerun.

New Low Stooped To

SEATTLE—Standards were lowered even further Sunday when a new, previously unimagined low was stooped to. "I am shocked and outraged," area resident Gwen Withers told reporters. "I mean, I consider myself a pretty tolerant person, but this is just... eurgghh!" Experts predict the new low will remain steady for a period of weeks, after which it will lower yet again as mankind continues its centuries-long slide into total barbarism.

Christ To Wed Longtime Backup Singer

NASHVILLE—It was confirmed Tuesday that Jesus Christ, 1,996, is engaged to Felicia Tufton, 38, who has sung backup on all of Christ's albums since 1983's Ridin' The Beams. "We are very excited about this new chapter in Jesus' life," said Gerald Hart, Christ's manager. "The couple will take a two-week break for the wedding at the end of their current tour, and after the honeymoon, they'll be back in the studio finishing Jesus' forthcoming album, The Long Haul." In the wake of His decision to marry, Christ says His plans of redeeming humanity from sin will be put on hold "indefinitely" while He pursues family life.

Teen Makes Clever Remark During Science Class

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—A dry explanation of cellular reproduction was considerably lightened Monday when Arnold Hager, 15, made a witty and cutting remark to a classmate during science class. "I'd like to reproduce cellularly with Cindy Loomis," Hager told his lab partner, Dennis Wender, 15. "'Cause Cindy's got, like, huge amoebas." Reactions to the remark varied: The class' teacher, Mr. Scarpelli, 58, angrily assigned extra homework, while student Brett Bunn, 16, giggled uncontrollably.

Redford To Re-Digitize Ordinary People, Improve Space Battle

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Robert Redford took time off from his Sundance Film Festival duties this week to oversee the final Industrial Light and Magic re-digitization of his Academy Award-winning 1980 drama Ordinary People. "I've always been bothered by a couple of the scenes, and I've really wanted to redo them using some of the new technology," Redford said. "For instance, in the scene where the Timothy Hutton character first confronts his mother about the older son's death, you can see certain imperfections in the space battle going on in the background." ILM technicians are also adding a series of large, spectacular explosions to the second Judd Hirsch therapist scene, and the spaceship exhaust emanating from Donald Sutherland's car will take on a more realistic, fiery appearance with the help of new special-effects technology. Five minutes of new footage edited out of the original will also be added, including Mary Tyler Moore's secret meeting with an alien bounty hunter who for years has repressed his abusive childhood.

Charitable Donations

Americans have contributed a steadily increasing amount of money to charity over the past 10 years. Why?

Down With The Income Tax!

Reading from his enormous ledger book, my accountant informed me today that my decision to purchase the Almagamated Vulcanized Testicle Company had resulted in a considerable loss, and I had no choice but to sell. Drat the foul luck! Why isn't the fool public purchasing rubber testicles? They're easy to care for and jaunty-looking, and they emit a pleasant odor!
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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

FBI Launches Raid On Saturn Compound

ABILENE, TX—After 47 tense days, the standoff between Federal Bureau of Investigation agents and members of the Saturn Family was finally broken Monday when an FBI strike team invaded the Saturn compound and seized 23 cars with their owners inside.

America Under Seige: The Saturn Standoff

Agents also captured Mark Schechter, evangelistic car dealer and self-described "Father of the Saturn Family," who offered agents good deals on trade-ins upon capture, but has yet to surrender any information on activities inside the compound.

"At Saturn, we're a different kind of car company," a handcuffed Schechter said as FBI officials led him away from the scene.

According to reports, shortly before 7 a.m., following a night of the FBI's blaring Three Dog Night's "Joy To The World" over loudspeakers, heavily armed agents posing as customers burst into the compound, where they met with little resistance.

Following Monday's raid, members of the Saturn Family—each bearing the Sign of Saturn on their foreheads—are led by FBI agents to a helicopter that will fly them to Washington, D.C. for interrogation and deprogramming.

"They were real nice, not pushy at all," said Kurt Harwood, one of the FBI agents. "They let me walk around and look at whatever I wanted without pressuring me or giving me the 'hard sell.' Fortunately, we were able to overcome them before they could 'answer any questions' that we had."

Saturn owners captured in the raid are being flown to Washington, D.C., where they will be interrogated by FBI psychiatric profiling teams before being deprogrammed for reintroduction to mainstream society.

"They welcomed me warmly, as if I actually was a member of their family," recalled a visibly shaken young woman identified only as "Julie," one of the car owners rescued in the FBI raid. "After I bought my Saturn SL-1, there was a ceremony involving the setting of the dashboard clock, during which Mr. Schechter introduced me to the other family members and announced that it was my first new car. Everyone kept asking me if I was 'excited.'"

"Then," Julie continued, "the other owners started advancing upon me slowly, wearing happy, vacant looks. They seemed almost transfixed with joy. Mr. Schecter took a Polaroid of me. When it developed, they took it to a bulletin board full of similar photos. I recognized several of the faces as those of people around me. Then I realized—they weren't going to let me leave."

On day 11 of the standoff, Julie attempted to flee through a restroom window while she was supposed to be changing into the white linen raiment emblazoned with the Saturn logo which is used in the paperwork-signing ceremony of initiates. She was, however, caught and returned to the main showroom.

Julie's attempted escape was detected by FBI intelligence, and a rapid-response team arrived on the scene shortly afterward. But by that time the compound had been sealed off, and large, orange "Closed For Inventory" signs greeted agents at the door.

It was not until Monday that the woman was finally freed. "Reliability and service are nice, but at what cost?" Julie said. "I will not trade my soul for fiberglass side panels."

Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms raids on smaller Saturn dealerships in Idaho and Montana have produced evidence that activities similar to the ones described by Julie have been taking place across the country.

"We are pursuing several leads at this time," ATF director John Magaw said. "But we do know for a fact that the Saturn family has already infiltrated the fabric of our society to a startling degree. My sister owns one. My brother-in-law owns one. This thing is spreading."

Rumors currently being investigated by the ATF include accounts of ultra-zealous Saturn delivery-truck drivers and sightings of a red sedan painted with mysterious occult markings, driven by a man wearing a black satin Saturn jacket.

Reports of Saturnic rituals at a Northern California compound, involving the burning of the Sign of Saturn into the foreheads of new owners, are also being investigated.

Saturn, a division of General Motors, has been under close FBI surveillance since the company was founded in 1990. The company frequently holds secret, dealer-sponsored barbecues at which new Saturn owners are further introduced to the mysteries of Saturn ownership, the most famous of which are held by a high-ranking Saturn family member known as "Russ."

The company also holds annual "reunions" which are marked by mass pilgrimages of Saturn family members from across the world. According to FBI files, some Saturn owners find the car-buying experience so satisfying that they apply for and are sometimes accepted as salespeople. Some eventually attain the honored rank of "dealer," but only after hundreds of hours of serving Saturn.

"Thank goodness for the FBI," said Andrea Aberg, another rescued Saturn owner. "Next time I'm buying a Honda."

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