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FBI: Muslim Groups In U.S. May Be Developing Nuclear Families

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What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:

How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

DES MOINES, IA—Slowly approaching the distraught, trembling presidential candidate before embracing him in a gentle hug, 42-year-old single mother Holly Sullivan comforted a sobbing Jeb Bush during a town hall forum, sources confirmed Friday.

Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice

UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.

Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

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The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

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Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

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Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

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Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election

Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.

Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:
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FBI: Muslim Groups In U.S. May Be Developing Nuclear Families

WASHINGTON, DC—According to an FBI report released Monday, "reliable and substantive evidence" exists indicating that Muslims residing in the U.S. are involved in a widespread plot to develop nuclear families.

Achieving Nuclear-Family Capability

"We possess what we believe to be credible proof that thousands of Islamic Americans, many of them Mideast-born, are attempting to acquire nuclear-family capability, often in full view of American law-enforcement authorities," said FBI director Robert Mueller, speaking before the Senate Intelligence Committee. "These nuclear families, which consist of a husband-wife core and a varied number of surrounding offspring, could potentially come into contact with other such nuclear families, creating a terrifying chain reaction of Muslim familial perpetuation."

Census Bureau statistics show that the Muslim population of the U.S. has increased dramatically in recent years. Mueller attributed much of this growth to the proliferation of nuclear families.

"Communities as diverse and far-flung as Newark, NJ, and Tulsa, OK, are being converted into breeder reactors in which Muslim nuclear families can be easily and cheaply produced," Mueller said. "Single Muslims who do not have nuclear families of their own are attracted by these favorable conditions."

According to Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge, unwed Muslims are crucial to the creation of nuclear families. Such individuals, Ridge said, strive to acquire certain critical materials in order to make such creation possible.

"Acquisition of wealth, education, employment, and status is key to establishing nuclear-family capability," Ridge said. "Surveillance of Muslim communities by the FBI reveals that these activities are taking place nationwide."

Quoting from the FBI report, Ridge cited the example of an unnamed Egyptian-born 24-year-old male who settled in the Bronx in 1995. Working days at a gas station owned by an uncle, the man attended nighttime business and English courses at a local community college. Upon graduation, he used his savings to acquire a partial stake in the gas station. It is believed that his hard-earned elevated social status was instrumental in his marriage to a young Iraqi-American woman whose own family immigrated to the U.S. in the late 1980s. Shortly after their wedding, the couple established a two-bedroom breeder reactor in Manhattan, where they produced two children, with another currently on the way.

John Ashcroft

"I'd like to say that this is an isolated example," Ridge said. "But the reality is, this 'Manhattan project' is the sort of thing that is occurring all across the country."

Supporting Ridge's claim, Attorney General John Ashcroft said that a June 2002 search of a home owned by a Muslim couple in Royal Oak, MI, unearthed substantial evidence of nuclear-family-building activity. Materials such as a family photo album, a baby-care book, and the discarded remnants of a used home pregnancy test were found on the premises.

"Fortunately, in that case, we were able to step in and break up the childless couple before they went nuclear," Ashcroft said. "But how many other Muslims do we have living right here in our country trying to do the same thing?"

Monty Conrad, a domestic-security expert and longtime FBI consultant, said that many seemingly reputable Muslim-owned and -operated businesses funnel their profits into nuclear-family programs. Conrad has found evidence linking the proceeds from such businesses to bank deposits, food and clothing purchases, rent and mortgage payments, and other endeavors vital to creating and maintaining a nuclear family.

"Something as innocuous as a newsstand or a hole-in-the-wall falafel restaurant can be underwriting a Muslim nuclear family," Conrad said. "Shockingly, in many cases, there is no attempt to conceal it. Children can be seen behind the counter, laughing and playing as their parents and other adult relatives work."

Conrad faults the U.S. government for "willfully neglecting" the nuclear-family threat posed by Muslims living within U.S. borders.

"The government has, from the federal to local level, permitted these activities to go on right under its nose, in spite of the obvious red flags," Conrad said. "There are thousands of cases of marriage licenses being issued to highly suspicious Islamic couples known to harbor intentions of building nuclear families. Income-tax forms from some of these people even list dependents. All this is clear proof that Islamic nuclear families exist in the U.S., yet nothing is done about it. Why?"

No laws currently exist to fight the proliferation of Muslim nuclear families within the U.S. That gives such Muslims as Abdul Rahman, newly naturalized citizen and Houston resident, a virtual blank check to build a nuclear family.

"I love America," Rahman said. "There is so much more opportunity here than in Syria, and that is why I came to stay. I definitely want to build a new life here and raise a family, and so do my friends."

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