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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.
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FBI Raids Fridge

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise midnight raid Monday, FBI agents seized the contents of the break-room refrigerator in the J. Edgar Hoover FBI Building. "We had reason to believe there were still some Chinese leftovers from Friday," FBI director Louis Freeh told reporters. "And our files indicated that the General Tsao's Chicken was already three days old, so we couldn't afford to drag our feet on the matter." Whether FBI agents overstepped their bounds by seizing a container of cashew chicken that had "Michelle S." clearly written on it in magic marker is currently under review by the Justice Department.

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