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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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FBI Raids Fridge

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise midnight raid Monday, FBI agents seized the contents of the break-room refrigerator in the J. Edgar Hoover FBI Building. "We had reason to believe there were still some Chinese leftovers from Friday," FBI director Louis Freeh told reporters. "And our files indicated that the General Tsao's Chicken was already three days old, so we couldn't afford to drag our feet on the matter." Whether FBI agents overstepped their bounds by seizing a container of cashew chicken that had "Michelle S." clearly written on it in magic marker is currently under review by the Justice Department.

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