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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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FBI Raids Fridge

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise midnight raid Monday, FBI agents seized the contents of the break-room refrigerator in the J. Edgar Hoover FBI Building. "We had reason to believe there were still some Chinese leftovers from Friday," FBI director Louis Freeh told reporters. "And our files indicated that the General Tsao's Chicken was already three days old, so we couldn't afford to drag our feet on the matter." Whether FBI agents overstepped their bounds by seizing a container of cashew chicken that had "Michelle S." clearly written on it in magic marker is currently under review by the Justice Department.

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