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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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FBI: Six Dead Not Really 'Mass' Murder

WASHINGTON, DC—Addressing reporters about the ritual slaying of six cheerleaders at a Frankfort, KY, high school, FBI director Robert Mueller clarified that the body count does not seem high enough to qualify as "mass" murder. "I don't know if there's an official minimum, but I always imagined 'mass' was more like 15 or 20," Mueller said. "Charles Whitman, now there was a mass murderer." Mueller added that in spite of their modest scale, the killings "were still pretty bad."

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