adBlockCheck

FBI: Terrorist Attack On Golden Gate Bridge May Have Been Green-Screened

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

FBI: Terrorist Attack On Golden Gate Bridge May Have Been Green-Screened

FBI head Mueller says some of the laser beams may have been added in post.
FBI head Mueller says some of the laser beams may have been added in post.

WASHINGTON—Analysts now believe that last month's horrific attack on San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge, which left thousands missing and assumed dead, may have actually been carried out with green-screen technology, FBI officials announced Monday.

Sources said federal authorities revisited video of the tragic events of May 16 after a field agent noticed a bright, greenish hue running along the outline of the bridge, and completely surrounding the low-flying missile that entered slowly from the right and struck the beloved national monument. Digital forensic analysts were also able to uncover a number of additional anomalies that may change the way history remembers that terrible day.

One of the many tragic, indelible images of the 5/16 attacks.

"While we must never forget the painful events of 5/16, new evidence has caused us to rethink the nature of the attack," FBI director Robert S. Mueller III said during a press conference. "Specifically the repeated loop of 1950s-era automobiles traveling on the bridge when the first missile hit, the heavy pixilation around the edges of the seventh explosion, and the several inches of green material on both sides of the frame."

"And this would certainly explain why that giant boom mic kept dropping into the shot," Mueller added.

The director also said that the use of chroma-key technology to stage an attack would support widespread claims that rescue workers responding to the bombing were unable to reach the destroyed Golden Gate Bridge because of rush-hour traffic on the Golden Gate Bridge.

Until the bureau can investigate further, the retaliatory bombings in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iran have been halted. In addition, the Defense Department has called off its search for the three Arab men who were last seen fleeing the scene of the attack on surfboards.

"We are looking into the possibility that the noticeable hole in the top right-hand corner of the sky might not have been a naturally occurring phenomenon," Mueller said. "But, until we are certain, I advise all Americans to stay alert. If digital imagery was not behind 5/16, there is still a 2,000-foot moth out there capable of creating a mushroom cloud that looks exactly like the one at Hiroshima."

When asked if green-screen technology could have been behind December's gazelle stampede in Detroit, the tidal wave that destroyed Boston in February, or Mount Rushmore ending up at the bottom of a fish tank, Mueller responded, "Absolutely not. Well, wait. Maybe."

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano assured the public that reviewing the video footage has already provided military officials with valuable insight into the strategy of terrorists who wish to harm America.

"Our enemies are adapting to an increasingly technological world, and we must adapt with them," Napolitano said. "That is why I've told our operatives to be on the lookout for any disparities in foreground and background lighting, as well as any suspicious persons with floating heads—two things we now know to be indicators of a possible green-screen strike."

According to the White House, President Obama has been kept abreast of the FBI's ongoing investigation into the 5/16 attacks. In a televised address from the base of the partially completed Golden Gate Bridge Memorial Wall, Obama reiterated the need for constant vigilance.

"For now, it appears as if the terrorists have yet to master this technology," the president said. "But as they get better at handling larger composites and become more familiar with Final Cut Pro 6, these attacks will begin to look more realistic. We must work together to make sure that state-of-the-art editing bays and studio spaces do not fall into terrorist hands."

"If that happens, they could theoretically destroy the world," Obama added. "I hear you can do almost anything with that stuff these days."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close