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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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FBI Tracks Down Elusive Picture-Disc Version Of Herb Alpert’s ‘Whipped Cream And Other Delights’

WASHINGTON—Following a three-month search involving more than 1,000 officers, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III announced Tuesday that his agency has located an elusive picture-disc pressing of the 1965 hit album Whipped Cream & Other Delights by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. “After canvassing hundreds of crates in Salvation Army locations across the country, as well as the pursuit of innumerable dead-end eBay leads, we can now confirm that this classic instrumental-pop record from the golden age of A&M is finally in FBI custody,” Mueller said while showing reporters the iconic image of a young woman covered in whipped cream on the color-vinyl album, which the bureau purchased from an online vintage LP forum user for $18.90 and a trade of four Stiff Little Fingers 7-inches. “It’s a little scratched up, but it’s still in good enough condition that it will continue to appreciate in value.” Mueller concluded by stating that an APB was still out for the 1984 Poland-shaped single “Warsaw In The Sun” by Krautrock pioneers Tangerine Dream, and that anyone with information regarding its whereabouts should send an e-mail to fedvinylfreak@fbi.gov.

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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