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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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FBI Tracks Down Elusive Picture-Disc Version Of Herb Alpert’s ‘Whipped Cream And Other Delights’

WASHINGTON—Following a three-month search involving more than 1,000 officers, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III announced Tuesday that his agency has located an elusive picture-disc pressing of the 1965 hit album Whipped Cream & Other Delights by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. “After canvassing hundreds of crates in Salvation Army locations across the country, as well as the pursuit of innumerable dead-end eBay leads, we can now confirm that this classic instrumental-pop record from the golden age of A&M is finally in FBI custody,” Mueller said while showing reporters the iconic image of a young woman covered in whipped cream on the color-vinyl album, which the bureau purchased from an online vintage LP forum user for $18.90 and a trade of four Stiff Little Fingers 7-inches. “It’s a little scratched up, but it’s still in good enough condition that it will continue to appreciate in value.” Mueller concluded by stating that an APB was still out for the 1984 Poland-shaped single “Warsaw In The Sun” by Krautrock pioneers Tangerine Dream, and that anyone with information regarding its whereabouts should send an e-mail to fedvinylfreak@fbi.gov.

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