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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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FBI Tracks Down Elusive Picture-Disc Version Of Herb Alpert’s ‘Whipped Cream And Other Delights’

WASHINGTON—Following a three-month search involving more than 1,000 officers, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III announced Tuesday that his agency has located an elusive picture-disc pressing of the 1965 hit album Whipped Cream & Other Delights by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. “After canvassing hundreds of crates in Salvation Army locations across the country, as well as the pursuit of innumerable dead-end eBay leads, we can now confirm that this classic instrumental-pop record from the golden age of A&M is finally in FBI custody,” Mueller said while showing reporters the iconic image of a young woman covered in whipped cream on the color-vinyl album, which the bureau purchased from an online vintage LP forum user for $18.90 and a trade of four Stiff Little Fingers 7-inches. “It’s a little scratched up, but it’s still in good enough condition that it will continue to appreciate in value.” Mueller concluded by stating that an APB was still out for the 1984 Poland-shaped single “Warsaw In The Sun” by Krautrock pioneers Tangerine Dream, and that anyone with information regarding its whereabouts should send an e-mail to fedvinylfreak@fbi.gov.

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